Determination

I have been dwelling on a word that was said to me many days ago. I started researching this word and trying to grasp a better understanding of it. The reason being is because I have used this word so many times yet the results of it was never the same as the one who told me. Its not about getting this individuals results, (not why I am fixated on it) , but having that word said with meaning is what I desire. I am sure you want to know what this word is and it will probably surprise you. I have no doubts most are like me and use this word so loosely without really understanding the real definition of it. I am excited about what I have learned about it and have the faith that when I finally say it, the meaning will be exactly what it is!!

OK so what is this word? DETERMINATION

I know for myself I have said it millions of times! I am determined to do this, I am determined to do that, I am determined to show this person this, or I am determined to make this goal met. But what happens 90% of the time after we say this word? It starts out great right? For a couple weeks its strong and great but then it slowly fades. It is rare that it can make it to a couple months. But then it wears off and the determination fades. The excuses come and the ups and downs of life detour us away from our so called "determination" status.

Determination means: the act of deciding definitely and firmly. It is DEFINITE and needs to be a FIRM decision. 


When you say your determined to do something then there should be nothing to detour you from it. If you are determined to reach others for Christ through a ministry, then NOTHING should detour you from it. If you are determined to pray, study the word and have a quiet time with the Lord, then NOTHING should detour you from it. If you are determined to be set apart from this world and have others see nothing but Jesus through you, then NOTHING should detour you from it. If you are determined to live a healthy life, exercise, and honor your body as God wants you to, then NOTHING should detour you from it. 


Yes life will throw us obstacles, and we will take some tumbles but the firm and definite decision that we have made will encourage us to be stronger in that decision. Satan is going to attack you at your weakest moments! I know that sometimes Jesus allows us to get to our lowest points sometimes but when we do, we find Him in all the answers to our problems. His determination, love and hope for us gives us an awesome boost to rise up out of that weakness. We must understand that the devil will attack us while we are down there and we need to keep in our hearts and mind that if we allow that detour to overtake us then our "determination" was not a heartfelt decision. And he will prevail over our victory. We will get back to our ways and feel the empty void we started with. 


Determination is a very strong and powerful word. It is a word I now see in a totally new light and will never take this word lightly again. My desire and prayer is that this word will help change my life in the positive way it is suppose to. I am forever grateful to the one who mentioned this word to me!


Dear Heavenly Father, 
I want to thank you so much for dying on the cross for my sins and everyone else sin. I pray Lord that you give me the desire and passion to have "determination" in everything that I do. Help me when I fall at my weak moments to know that you are still there and I need to seek you and take that moment and channel it as a lesson. Help me to never forget while things are going great that it is only because of your will and determination of me that it is. Help those reading this blog, get a better understanding of this word and that it isn't used as loosely as we have. I thank you and praise you for everything that you are!! In your precious and Holy Name, Amen. 


What the bible says about determination: 

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 ESV

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

2 Timothy 4:7 ESV 

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith

Romans 12:1-2 ESV /

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

An example of someone who had "determination"

Ruth 1:16-18 ESV 

But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.” And when Naomi saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more.




 

Diversion

Today was a great and fun day! We celebrated my twins 11th birthday! I can not believe how much they have grown up. I sat back to reflect on their lives and I am in awe of what God is doing with the sweeties that he has blessed me to raise. Just feeling blessed today! This may sound weird but it actually made me wanna hit the topic of diversion. Another type of consequence.

Diversion means:

1. The act or an instance of diverting or turning aside; deviation.

2. Something that distracts the mind and relaxes or entertains.

3. A maneuver that draws the attention of an opponent away from a planned point of action

I believe with all my heart that I use my children sometimes as a diversion to keep me from having to do a lot of social things. It can be my safe haven. When times feel overwhelming or trying.. I start to hide away in my home. No one sees me here. I can be me. I can do what I want and feel the way I want and there is no worries ever. My children distract my mind on a continual basis. For example: Every Thursday we go to choir practice and then I do Zumba. I love singing and I love dancing (even though I do not do them well). I just didn't want to get out that day. I was enjoying my laziness and wanted an excuse to not go. I also knew I just didn't eat well or drink the right amount of water to do Zumba. Anyway my son has really bad allergies and to me he looked pitiful. His eyes were swollen and itchy looking. So I asked him if he would like to stay home with momma and just relax and get better. He looked at me like I was crazy! He was not going to miss out on hanging at church and with his friends. Well there went my thought out diversion! Stink! If I don't go it would be just because I am lazy. I don't want to lie to people on why I wasn't there, so it looks like I need to get up and just go! I knew that it was important for me to stay committed to both those things I enjoy doing. And when I get there I am glad I went. But I struggle with my mind on attending and doing a lot of things!!! These moments come more often than I like.

I know as a mother my children should be on my mind a lot and it should be because of the way that I raise them as Godly beings. But it sometimes can be more of a distraction or a diversion.

This is a consequence that I need to really work on. Another example is this blog. I can easily be drawn away from it and not focus on writing it. I make excuses why I don't have the time or that it doesn't really matter. But that is just another mind battle I face. The thing I am learning through this blog process is breaking down each consequence and putting examples out that show me that I use them in a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. I do have issues that I need to work on. I can take them on as long as I give them to God and go straight to his scriptures to find healing.  It is helping me fight it when it happens.

The devil doesn't like it because I am now taking ownership of my disease and the consequences I face. I am human and fail and don't always let God have it 100%. And I can definitely tell the difference when I do.

I have to include some passages that I found encouraging to help me get pass this diversion curse I seem to trap myself in a lot!

1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Psalm 119:15 ESV

I will meditate on your precepts and fix my eyes on your ways.

Philippians 4:8 ESV 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Live Like That!

Wow has it been a while since I have blogged. In all honesty it started with the flu, then the recovery and then just got to the rebellious and laziness on my part. I have such amazing supporters that encouraged me to not let the devil take this blog from me and so here I am blogging again :) 

Today has been a challenging day for me. I have had many positive and negative responses to the start of this blog. Let me just say that God works in such an amazing way! I am in awe with what he is doing in my life and how open with my soul I have to be in order for me to actually grasp it! He is addicting and I kept thinking all day..... "I want more of this attention Lord that you are graciously giving me!" (let me specify that its not attention from others I seek, its solely his)  This verse from Philippians 2:3 helps me "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself." I have such a long journey ahead of me and I am weak already and the battle has just begun. The positive thing about this journey is that I am NOT taking it alone. Jesus has shown me everyday a glimpse of his presence. His strength, comfort, love and understanding. I must tell you that when you open up the skeletal closet and say, "Lord I give this all to you", he takes it in an instance and allows you the instance peace that he is now in control and will fight the battle for you. I am sorry but with such an amazing Father on my side, I already feel that I can conquer this with him. I must share my prayer with you as I was to begun this blog:

Lord, I opened up my scary nightmare for others to see and I am ashamed and embarrassed by it. I regret even doing it! I can't hide it anymore and that terrifies me to death. I beat myself up about this whole thing every time it pops into my head. There are people who don't understand me and want to fix me quickly, or think there is no possible way that she is this because I "know" her, or I think she just does it for attention, or push others to have overwhelming feelings towards me.  I am not ready for this type of attention. I am not ready for this type of accountability. I am not ready for the questions. I am not ready for the letdowns! I am just not ready! I don't want the ones I love the most to turn away from me because of this challenge I am facing. Help me to take this by your hand and do with it as you have me to do. Let it be through your glory and love that I overcome this. Let those who are hurting, in the same situation as I, or have loved ones they are trying to reach out to see that there is hope and it comes by giving it all to you. Help me to stop worrying about everyone else and the way they view or see me. Help me to just focus on restoring my health and mind. Because until it is I can't be the complete wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend that you have always wanted me to be. You are my rock and on you will I build up my family. I love and praise you for all that you are and continue to be for me. Bless each and every person that reads this and let them only see you being glorified through it all! In your precious and Holy Name I pray!!! AMEN.

I started really thinking hard today in my alone time about the challenges ahead but like I have told you before God uses songs of worship to sometimes get his answers and comfort across to me! I was having the feelings that I just didn't understand why I felt the need or urge to tell people. Was I tricked into doing it? Did the devil want to show people who I really am? You know he is constantly attacking me but in all honesty the moment I tell him that the Lord Jesus Christ is on my side and he better run because the Lord is going to give him a good butt kicking!! He runs :) HAHA! Like he should!! I need to keep my mind open and clean away of his ugliness. But we are human and fall so many times. Thankfully God is ALWAYS there to pick us up! All of these thoughts start growing in my mind. And in the midst of it all Jesus put this song on the radio and it was to remind me of why he wants me to do it.

Let me also end with a great quote I read while I was studying in my Church Missions class!

"Circumstances can never change a heart. Circumstances can put great or little pressure on the decision maker, but they only provide the environment in which a change heart takes place! But circumstances can never change a heart." - Ben Gutierrez

That is why the change of heart can only happen when you give it completely up to God!  

Minimization

The next word I looked up on Wikipedia was: 


Minimization is a type of deception involving denial coupled with rationalization in situations where complete denial is implausible. It is the opposite of exaggeration.

Minimization is one of the most common ways we reduce our feelings of guilt..."It's not that big of a deal" Words associated with minimization include:

• downplaying
• euphemism 
• making light of 

• minification
• trivializing
• understating  

  

 I didn't realize how much I used this word!

I actually used this word a lot while I have had the flu.

"Well I have a fever and just don't feel well. So it is ok if I don't eat anything." "People are suppose to lose weight when they have the flu." "If you eat you will just get sick, so your not really hurting yourself. You are actually saving yourself from many trips to the toilet.""My throat is sore and I can't taste anything anyway, so what is the point?" This is just a few of the thoughts that have ran through my head in the past few days.

In reality there are many things that I could be doing to help get the nutrition I need while I am sick with the flu. I just lack the desire and want. I have been drinking tons of water but that is it.

I don't just do this when I am sick. Although it is while I am sick it shines brightly. I am always downplaying what I do to a level that I think sounds reasonable and doable. The sad thing is that it is not healthy or wise. It is a mindset that I need to get rid of! But will take A LOT of work! This is going to be my first step in reprogramming my mind.

With the examples I gave before I needed to be thinking, "I do have a fever but my stomach isn't upset, eat and give yourself some nutrients to fight back." "You do not use the flu as a way to lose weight." "True you may get sick, but than you may not and actually build yourself some strength to get better."  "Bummer I can't taste this but I need it to get better."

Why can't I think like that? Why does it take me concentration and time to develop those thoughts? This is where I really want to focus and work on :)

Saving Me...

It has been a very hard week for me. I can't tell you how long it has been since I have had the flu! A good idea might be that when I went to get the 1 theraflu I knew I had left, it had expired in 2008! So that didn't help me! HA!

It has been such a bummer that I have had to spend all Saturday in bed with toilet paper, cough drops, Dayquil, covers, water and loads of pillows by me! When I wasn't sleeping I was feeling like someone was sitting on my head and wouldn't get off! I woke up around 5:30 p.m. and asked my husband for something to eat. I was able to eat a PB & J sandwich but not tasting any of it. That was weird. I have tried to keep plenty of water in my system so that I don't become dehydrated. I can tell that I am borderline. Why because I get this way many times to often. I can sense my body needs food but I just don't have the energy and longing to eat. I feel horrible. I remember people telling me during my morning sickness that eating actually helps it go away. (oh no no no no, it does nothing but make me wanna hurl, yuck) were they right.....probably. It worked for them. I know everyone is different and it might have worked for me and then again might not have but I shouldn't have just turned them off. Why does everyone think food is the solution?

After eating my sandwich I decided to open up the book that was given to me. I have completed the first 5 chapters and can see how some of the mindsets she has placed in her life are ways that I need to consider!

There have been a couple things that have caught my attention. I didn't know about the acronym HALT. She said you should consider asking yourself before eating are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. (others that are not part of it is Depressed, Guilty, PMS, Thirsty, Stress, Discouraged or Wounded.) I am sure we can relate to so many of these reasons on why we eat the way we do or when we eat the most. I understand and relate to her there. But my questions are what if you DONT eat because of those acronyms? That is what is hard for me? Those are the answers I am seeking.

Last night my husband got BBQ and all the kids got the same thing except for my youngest daughter. She got a plain Baked Potato because everything else they had contains soy or wheat. She is allergic to that so we have got to try and stay away from pretty much all processed foods, breads, pasta, candy... the list goes on. I often wonder why God gave me a daughter with "food" allergies. Since her diagnosis I have tried changing the way our family eats. We (ok not we, but "my husband") cooks a lot more at home and have turned from most process foods. I fail at the I don't have time so let me pop this in the oven and in about 20 minutes your food will be ready! ;-/ I am praying that God helps me through that. Especially once my husband leaves for a few months. Anyway.

I remember when my daughter was first diagnosed I told her I would not eat anything that she couldn't. It was very hard for me to indulge in something knowing she can't physically have it. (When I do eat what she can't I fall into a sense of guilt) What love of food she had was stripped from her. Although the doctor says she is too old now to out grow these allergies there is always a possibility. As I read this book God sheds light to me that through my daughter he is also fixing me. He knows the love/hate relationship I have with food. He knows the struggles I deal with on a daily basis. And now that my daughter has to be given fresh meals and special foods I am staring my fear and issue right in the face!

Oh my goodness! Lord!?? Do you know what you are asking of me? You want me to prepare meals and cook?! I despise it! It stresses me out! I am prone to having it perfect! Give me a picture and if it doesn't look like that I throw the food away! I get angry! And now? you are asking of me to be hands on in our meals! PANIC MODE!!

How am I going to do this? I know that I have to do it! I am a momma bear when it comes to my children and I will protect them and give them whatever I can when it is asked of me. (Now I am not talking about my kids bossing me around I am their servant... um no I don't work that way) I am talking about life. My daughter has special needs and she needs a healthy mother to supply and help her with those needs. I look at her and just cry sometimes because she is so young and having to go through such a big change is so hard for her and (selfishly) me too :(

I can sulk and cry and throw all kinds of questions at God but I am not going to! What I am going to do is sit down and take those large amount of cookbooks I bought just for her and find recipes I know she will enjoy. I need to incorporate her way of eating into all of our lives. I need to organize a shopping list and just go do it! If you think about it, is a healthier way to eat. Take away the process foods and the gluten that makes food plumpier or last longer is gone. All you have left to eat is the natural foods that God created in the first place.

God has a mysterious way sometimes in the things that he does. My daughter asked me a few weeks ago... "Momma, why me? Why did God pick me to be allergic to food?" and I quietly told her that "God has his reasons and his ways, and although we may not see it now he has a huge plan for it." She said "Mom I just wish I could see what it was, because I do miss the food that I can't have." and I cried saying "I know sweetheart you do but you are going to feel so much better eating what doesn't harm you and will have a great testimony someday to share with others." She said "Ok" we hugged and cried and then she went off to play.

And as  I look at my daughter I cry thinking "If she only knew that she is saving me."


Two of the goodies I saw while reading my book:

Excited about this book!

My brain is so tired from all the school papers, tests, lectures and so forth! I am looking forward to my spring break this next week! Whoo Hoo! I have so much planned I hope I get to fit it all in! One thing I know I want to do is read something I am not made to read! Although I have enjoyed reading these books in class I really want to do some luxury reading where I don't have to worry about being tested! I was given a book last week that just made me so excited! It was from a very sweet friend whom I have gotten close to just in the last 6 months! LOVE HER!! She put inside the book some encouraging verses as I read it! I can't wait to see the little surprises in it! The book is by Candace Cameron Bure! Yep the girl from Full House! LOVED that show!

She offers advice to those who struggle with food issues. She battled so many. She used her Christian faith and God's grace to get her through it all! One thing she said on the back of the book is

"I knew who God was, but I still hadn't grasped who I was in His sight" - Candace Cameron Bure

...She said it perfectly!!!! Why am I caring what sight I am to everyone else? The only one that matters is God. His opinion and sight is the only one that matters! I need this mentality and I am encouraged to see how she beat this ugly sickness. I can't wait to fill you in on what I discover within myself through her and God's light as I read it! If you are interested as well, I encourage you to read it with me :)

Hustle...Bustle..

I am sorry I have not been posting everyday like I promised I would. We were blessed with the flu bug and it has taken ALOT out of me! 4 out of 5 kiddos had fever today and I wasn't doing so-so. However I did manage to finish up one of my school courses today. I was thankful that I had plenty of downtime to do it. Sadly it was because my spunky kiddos were just really laid back and quiet. Today we pretty much lounged all day. We have laid in my bed together for most of the day. We have chitchatted and played games. I was able to have great conversations with my daughters and as well as my sons. I never thought I would be thankful for a flu bug but I must say this quarantine has been so nice. I was able to bond with my children. I realized I missed them! I haven't been spending the time I needed to with my sweeties! They grow up fast enough and I don't want to miss out on anything!

I got lost in the hustle and bustle of things lately. I have been trying so hard to please people that I lost who I really am! Why am I spending time trying to please people? I should be spending my time with my children, husband and God. Wait?! Let me put that in the right order. I should be spending time with God, my husband and my children. I have overwhelmed myself with things that do not matter. Friendships yes they matter and that's not what I am talking about. I am talking about petty things I have let come into my life. I have a friend who means the WORLD to me!! She, with her loving heart talked to me about how I have been lately. I have been let's face it ..... AN EMOTIONAL WRECK. I have done exactly two of things that are a social consequence of mine! I started isolating myself from people especially the ones closest to me. I start feeling that they don't have my best interest at heart. I think they are out to get me and pick on me. Its such an ugly thought and feeling. I am a happy person who loves people. Not this emotional wreck who is in constant worry about everything! Where is my joy? That is what is missing! My JOY!!! It is because I have not let Jesus be the center of my life lately. I was scared and feeling shameful. I pushed my family away. I don't understand why this vicious cycle keeps happening over and over again?

Because the devil won't let me be! He is angry with me for trying to get out of this nasty bondage! He doesn't want me to seek help. He doesn't want me to get better. Why? Because it hurts my growth as a Christian. He is scared of me and who I will become if I beat this!! That just gives me that much more encouragement to beat this crap! I have felt the prayers from you and it is what has helped me get through this past week. I have been able to mend a few relationships and move on past this ickiness I am in. I am going to seek professional help. I fought against this because I thought that means I am a failure. But its the complete opposite. It means I am a winner for getting the help I need! Please be in prayer as I search for the perfect counselor to help me surpass this dungeon I am in. 

Many Blessings,
Aundrea

Thought this song was perfect!

Denial

So I wanted to see what exactly the definition for denial was. I googled it and got the definition from Wikipedia.

Denial is a defense mechanism, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.  The subject may use:

• simple denial: deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether
• minimisation: admit the fact but deny its seriousness (a combination of denial and rationalization)
• projection: admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility. 

I am so happy that it has been almost exactly 2 weeks since God has revealed to me more evidence than I could ever imagine on my illness! I remember the countless prayers I said asking him why I couldn't get to that point of happiness. I knew that there was a void somewhere. I asked him why it could be such an amazing day yet end with a sense of loneliness. The moment he shed light to me that I was struggling with Bulimia, I felt an instant warmness in my heart. Not that I wanted to have that answer or even have an illness like that. But the fact that he heard my cry! Definitely in shock and dismay I had the opposite effect that moment. I was hopeful and in awe that my prayer had been answered!

What I did not realize at the time is HE helped me already defeat one of my very first Cognitive Consequences!! DENIAL!!   I have beat down that consequence and it can NOT harm me anymore!!!

Thank you Jesus that you have never given up on me and that you took away my DENIAL!! Thank you Jesus I can't say it enough!!

1 John 1:8-9 ESV

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Titus 2:11-14 ESV

11 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people,
12 training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age,
13 waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.

The first step has been conquered Lord!!!! and only by your humbling grace!! I am ready to take down another one!!!

Consequences of Bulimia

I am heading back home today for a very quick one day visit. My family is throwing my middle son a birthday party. I have spent all day cleaning and packing. I still have to fit in my schoolwork, get ready for date night and load up the car to head out! I won't have the time to blog about my day today, but will catch you up soon! I found a really good website that shows exactly what my mind struggles with on a daily basis! It worded it perfectly!! Except for the very last one, I have never done that and I owe that to Jesus because I was saved the whole time of this disease. So thankful the Legal Consequence does not describe me! YAY! 1 down .........

A Summary of the Cognitive, Emotional and Social Consequences of Bulimia

Cognitive Consequences

• Focus on food and eating
• Loss of interest in other activities
• Distorted beliefs about food, eating, body shape and size

- Denial
- Minimisation
- Blaming            
- Diversion
- Intellectualisation
- Dichotomous thinking
- Personalization
- Overgeneralisation
- Magical thinking

• Passing on unrealistic/distorted attitudes and beliefs about food to children
• Poor concentration
• Memory problems
• Difficulty in comprehending
• Difficulty making decisions

Emotional Consequences

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Shame
• Guilt
• Embarrassment
• Hopelessness
• Fear of being discovered
• Disgust
• Low Self-esteem
• Feeling out of control

Social Consequences

• Isolation 
• Secrecy
• Interpersonal mistrust
• Decreased sexual interest

Financial Consequences

• Spending large amounts of money or buying binge foods and laxatives

Legal Consequences

• Getting caught shoplifting food, laxatives or other things

References
Bulik, C., Sullivan, P., Carter, F., Joyce, P., & McIntosh, V. (1993). Cognitive Therapy Therapist Manual for the treatment of Bulimia Nervosa. University of Canterbury, New Zealand.

http://www.eatingdisorders.org.nz/index.php?id=756 (that is the website I found if you want to look at other diseases or information that may help you or others you love). 



Those of you who know me can probably check off many of these and give full examples on how I have shown these characteristics! I am outing myself completely because how am I gonna get better if I don't start attacking each and everyone of these consequences head on with scripture and God! Not to mention prayer warriors, friends and family! I am thankful for the prayer and support!

Be in prayer for me this weekend it will be difficult. My family loves me and will support me but I am scared to face them after I revealed my inner most secret. They have done nothing wrong. I love them dearly, its just my own shame and guilt. And the secret I kept from them for so long!

Breathe...

This morning was an eventful morning. I have been struggling lately with taking deep breaths and being able to breathe well. I had an allergy test Monday with all those prickly pokes all over your back and arm. Yeah, so anyway (don't want to talk about it, painful and just not a good thing to think about).. had that done and found out that I am allergic to all trees, pollens, flowers, grasses, molds...pretty much all of God's planted creation. I will start next week getting allergy shots twice a week. Let me just say I am a HUGE weenie when it comes to needles! I wanted to literally punch that sweet nurse that kept poking me all over with those dang needles! And now your telling me that I will have to be pricked twice a week! "Lord, I am just curious if you knew that I was going to be allergic to your beautiful planted creation, why did you not give me skin of leather, or the ability to handle pain so well? What I am suppose to learn and take from this?" I dwelt on this all day long! I was so depressed! So in my mind I believe that this is why I am having issues with my breathing. I tell the Pulmonologist that I feel the breathing is allergy induced. He agreed it could be a possibility but insisted that I go through other tests to make sure I am not asthmatic or have clots in my lungs. So I get out of bed this morning around 7:30 and do my prayer time. I then get ready for the appointment and leave the house around 8:45 to get to my appointment. No I didn't not think once about breakfast or what I should eat, I popped in 2 pieces of doublemint gum and knew that would last me till lunch.

So I am on the road and already terrified at this point because the nurse told me on the phone that they were going to try and cause me to have an asthma attack. Why in the world would you want to push my lungs that far? I prayed the whole way there! I thought about the negatives of the test and why I should just turn around and go home. Then I thought about the positives of this test and how it will eliminate the other things they "thought" could be an issue. I know that there are still two other tests I am scheduled for and why bother, ugh I am so sick of these tests!!! My nerves are shot by the time I get to my appointment which was at 9:30. During this test I am breathing as hard as I can and also inhaling this weird chemical stuff! I suck it in and blow it out and it makes this weird smoke look! It was actually pretty neat, and I thought about the smoke to keep my mind off the test. (You would probably laugh at me if you knew what was floating around in my brain at that time Ha!) Don't know what will become of the test but I was thankful it was over. That stuff they gave me made me so shaky for almost the whole afternoon. That I did not like! I couldn't hold anything without it just shaking! My kids laughed because I couldn't write down examples for them to go by while we were doing fractions! The stuff is Evil I tell ya! LOL

I get home this afternoon thinking about what I need to eat for lunch because by this time it is almost noon and I am not feeling that well. I ended up eating some cottage cheese, tomatoes and with black pepper. I could live off of that stuff! I know most people think it is sooo gross, but I absolutely LOVE it! I think my kids love it because it is what I would eat the whole time I was pregnant! LOL. You take my kids to a salad bar and they are gonna get : Cottage Cheese, Sunflower seeds, Tomatoes and a Boiled Egg! haha! That's a great meal for me :) Fulfilling and low in calories! Anyway. That is what I ended up having for lunch. I got to work on my schoolwork again and flustered by the APA formatting! I am so use to writing in Turabian that its just not flowing with me! So my wonderful Bestie calls me and helps me the best she can. She doesn't realize how much that meant to me! Anytime we talk reality disappears and its just like a relaxing, unstressed peaceful breeze of happiness! So thank you Bestie for that! I snacked a little before we headed out. I ate a few pieces of candy and some white cheddar popcorn.

A sweet friend of mine from church asked me to dinner and so we skipped Zumba (although in my mind I am thinking about all those wonderful calories I needed to burn off, but I could sure use a night out too, soo suck it up!) and headed out to eat and shop! We ended up ordering this yummy Frito Pie and had a sundae for dessert!

I feel that even though my morning and afternoon started out stressful and I had a bit of an anxiety attack; it ended up being one of my better days. So I am very thankful for today and know for a fact the reason it ended so well, is because I started my day out with my alone time with my Savior Jesus Christ! He knew exactly when I was at my low point today and knew exactly what I would need to keep a float! I pray that when you have your prayer time with him, that you ask him to be the void you search for. To fill your cup with all his goodness, comfort, strength, mercy, love and wisdom. That even though the day has just begun you respond to each thing that comes your way with an attribute of him. And when you ask, you will receive it! It felt like nothing could defeat me today!! I can't help but be excited about what tomorrow may bring! Tonight I don't go to bed with the dread of another day!

Day 1

Ok, so bare with me, because this is the first day I am writing as how my day went! I stayed up till 2:00 this morning because of the storm! One minute it was headed in our direction and the next minute it wasn't. I couldn't not go to sleep until I knew it had passed. We are on one side of the house and our kiddos were on the other side and there was no way I could go to sleep without knowing we were out of tornado danger. So because I stayed up so late I did not wake up until 9:30 this morning!

I get up quickly knowing that I need to get the kids started on school! I rushed into my day leaving me no time to pray or have my devotion. So now that I haven't had my time with the Lord I am grouchy and also know that I am hungry. I have been doing good lately keeping my calories at 1200 (or sometimes 1500). Days that I go over I feel so guilty! Well Friday was the start of my "overeating" as I would put it. I consumed about 1565 that day and just felt awful about it! Now when I feel awful it can go either way. I can either stop eating much and only consume maybe 500 calories or I say "forget it I am already overeating why not just make the best of the weekend and overeat".  Saturday and Sunday I went over that 1200 mark as well! Saturday was 1433 and Sunday was 1271.  I was so upset allowing myself to eat like that on Monday, Tuesday and today I didn't even calculate my calories because I know its way over. I didn't want those that are holding me accountable on my food intake to see my guilty pleasures and failures. (By the way I have the app MyFitnessPal and it is what I use for my calorie intake. You are more than welcome to add me as a friend. I do think accountability is what I need and I know after I write this, those that are my friends now on there will start making sure I do it no matter what.) I don't eat healthy during that time either. Its junk. I am miserable, bloated, and sick to my stomach all day.

I know most of you think "Aundrea you were still under 1800 calories you are doing good!" Well I still can't look at it that way. No matter how hard I try. Why can't I accept this? Why do I beat myself up and tell myself that "this is why you are fat, ugly and can't accomplish anything!" This is going to be one of the hardest parts to change. UGH!!!! So anyway. I make the kids eat cereal and I eat at least 3 or 4 serving sizes of Lucky Charms. I think "I'll burn this off with just my daily activities and won't eat anymore for the rest of the day." Wrong. We are almost done with school and my kids remind me that it is 12:00 which is "lunchtime." I fix them chicken nuggets because it has been awhile since they have had them and it was quick and easy so we could get back to work. I get them all done and situated and think "I just had a huge bowl of cereal earlier today, you haven't done much of anything, so those calories are ALL still there. You need to drink water and that be your lunch." I didn't grab a water but a Cherry 7up. This does have calories (which I forgot) but as I teach I am snacking on cheetos as though they were going out of style. Healthy right? Perfect meal for lunch, Cherry 7UP and a bag of salsa con queso cheetos! (although I must admit they were so yummy). I have the kids finish up with lunch and school and then sit down to "attempt" my paper for school.

It is NOT the format I am use to and it just frazzles me and puts me in a bad mood. I am still working on that 7UP and find the bag of candy I was munching on the night before, so I finish off those. I start to doubt my abilities to write this paper and come to the conclusion that I am just not gonna do it today. I then quit, shower and take us to church. I am starving by the time I get to church and exhausted. Hmmm?? I wonder why? I have had lucky charms, cheetos, 7 up and a few things of candy. Not something you eat to give you energy, strength or fill you up either! I am ashamed of how I ate today because I knew what I was doing was wrong. But in my mind I had every reasonable excuse or every perfect justification on why it was ok with what I ate. Sad really :( I am disgusted about it and humiliated with the fact that for 15 years I thought this eating behavior was ok! No wonder my body has so many issues and constant problems! How is it suppose to work right if I am feeding it junk or nothing worth nutrition!! .......

I will go to bed tonight thinking the same thing I did the night before....."There is always tomorrow, and I will get it right" ....what I forget is that everyday yes is a new day but its also a new day of challenges and obstacles that you are unprepared for. I need to realize that what I am doing to my body will suffer consequences and I don't want my struggles and consequences to affect my husband and children.....

Encouragement

God tells us to look to his word when we need him! God tells us to pray to him when we need him! Tonight this is what I found and wanted to share it.

 

Strength Quotes For Encouragement

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Christian Encouragement Quotes

God will not be absent when His people are on trial; he will stand in court as their advocate, to plead on their behalf.  –Charles Haddon Spurgeon

You are valuable because you exist. Not because of what you do or what you have done, but simply because you are. –Max Lucado

Be assured, if you walk with Him and look to Him, and expect help from Him, He will never fail you. –George Mueller

The stars may fall, but God’s promises will stand and be fulfilled. –J. I. Packer

Lord heal me from these symptoms!

So there are a few more symptoms that I struggle with on a constant basis. Another symptom is dry skin. It is mainly noticeable on my knees and elbows. It drives me nuts! It "seems" like these symptoms all start appearing at the same time. I then get the anxiety and wonder what is going on with my body! I get angry because I am irritated with how my skin is looking. I shouldn't be surprised why I have these symptoms but I am in denial many days of what is going on. The next one is an irregular heartbeat. Sometimes my sitting heart rate can be so fast! I have had my husband check it many times because I thought it was going to jump out of my chest!!! I remember one day I had done absolutely nothing, just had a great lazy day but just didn't feel right. My body caught up with me and all the void I gave it and my sitting heart rate was 102. Really? Now I have also had the complete opposite! I felt no energy, no umph, nothing. I don't feel right then either. Those days my husband complains because my heartbeat is so soft he can't read it at any pulsing places. This is part of the disease I hate the most. It makes me feel so bad. My anxiety gets the better of me on those days too. When my chest hurts you automatically think "HEART ATTACK"!! Then that just makes it worse. Anxiety is NOT your friend! I know all of us have experienced anxiety and most know how to handle it. This is what I need to learn better and beat the sinful mess of allowing it to get the better of me.

Ok so this next one happens at least 5 out of 7 days. I hate that I have to adapt to it! I can't stand that I don't know or grasp what it is that I need to do to beat it either! I know so many people have tried but its just like with anything. You can yell it, mention it a billion times, show examples, ect. and it won't do any good unless I am willing to listen and change. I am not trying to be ugly about the help, I just mentally can not grasp it. My mind is a constant battle! I fight more with my mind than I do with anything else! The symptom is tingling and numbing of my face, hands, fingers and even my feet. If you sit beside me in church or anywhere else you will notice that I can not keep my legs in one position very long. I lose sensation from them. If my legs are crossed I will switch them about every 10-15 minutes. I play with things in my hands when I am just sitting down listening because if I am not moving them often they go completely numb. I actually take breaks as I write my blog because I lose feeling in some of my fingers. The tingling can get so bad on my face that sometimes I can slap my face and not feel anything but pins and needles. I absolutely HATE this feeling!! But what do I do to change it?? Am I willing to take the jump to make it happen? Why am I so stinkin' stubborn!! AHHHHH ...... Lord, I need your help!! :( this is not a normal way to live!

Another symptom is muscle cramps! I get these ALOT in my legs (calves) especially when I am asleep! I have had people tell me to eat more bananas that I am lacking in potassium! Or drink some gatorade! When I listen and do it! Yes I do feel a lot better and the cramps don't happen as often! But I won't drink a lot of gatorade because of all the sugar it contains and I get tired of bananas and take breaks from them. A symptom I get that goes along with this is very low potassium! When I have this my husband knows it. My dehydration kicks in, my very low pulse happens, and I have absolutely no energy. My chest hurts. Its a mess! I am 31 years old and I am feeling like someone at least 40 years older! Ridiculous simply ridiculous!

I get headaches and blurry vision all the time. I was told that I needed glasses but it was only at night when I am driving. So what's going on the rest of the time if I don't need them on a regular basis? I have had some fainting or blacking out spells. There have been a couple incidents my husband was terrified because I was OUT! There was also a time my mom was curling my hair for school because it was the first day at a new school and I was just nervous and needed perfection! So of course I am gonna have my momma do her magic! I needed to make a different impression on these people than I did at the other school. I let the no eating, anxiety, dehydration ect.. get the best of me and I passed out while she was doing my hair. She said I fell to the floor and barely missed hitting my head on the bathtub. Sadly I just told my mom a lie that I was just nervous and it was my "time of the month" and that made me feel weird. Great......that's where the lying began! Unproud moment and not fun thinking about either. 

Start of Symptoms

For those of you following me or come upon my blogs I just want to stress that I am starting from the moment I became bulimic and some moments throughout my life that either helped me or enabled me to be sick. I feel God has led me to blog in this way. I have no idea what he has in store for me but I am so anxious to find out! If my openness helps others than so be his will. I pray before I blog and asked God to guide me with my thoughts and words. If I jump around and sometimes don't fall in sync with what I was doing before just bare with me :) The Lord has his reasons! 

My children are now home and in my complete care. I am sure most of us as new mothers have a small set of "PANIC' that enters our mind. The hospital spoils us rotten! They check on us continually, answer all the questions, step in and do the hard work for us, allow us to rest, and the list goes on. When you go home its just you and baby! Or in my case babies! I don't know about you but I was anxious to hold my children and take care of the them (even though I had no clue exactly how to do that). It seemed like the nurses always had some dumb excuse to take my baby! I remember being frustrated over this. I was thinking "Hey I did all the hard work lady, you didn't carry those children, I did! Give them to me and back off!" O dear Aundrea how immature and silly you were! By the time I had my 5th, I was like "Yes, you may take him and bathe him and do what you need to do, I will sneak in a short cat nap while he is away :)" Does that make me a bad mother? I thought it might, but then again I thought "Nope because its the last night of sleep your gonna get ...... till he is 18!" HA!

Anyway, Because of my current state, I was not healthy enough to supply my children enough breast milk that they went to formula at 5 months. Surprisingly I did not find this a failure at all, more as "you made it the 6 weeks they ask for" type thing! One thing I know that most of you are unaware of is the way we physically feel during this time. Its a feeling to which we learn to adapt too! For me it started after I gave birth to my twins and they required so much of my attention and time. I ate enough I felt to get me through the day with little to do before I had children. Now that my kids are here.... I am up earlier, less sleep, less food, less energy... everything is just less.

So I began having bowl issues. (Gross I know, but its serious) Apparently what is normal is to go at least once a day and have a good movement. I however go every 3 to 4 days. When I was told that I was suppose to be going everyday I thought that was very odd!! I mean seriously who does that? Um...everybody does :-/ Awkward!!! .... So that is symptom number one that you just adapt too. Now all of us ladies know that when its our "special week" we feel bigger than a pigmy hippo!! Dang bloating!! Really? Why does that even exist? We have issues with the way we look already, now you go and add times where we can't fit into our pants without laying down on the bed! Ugh! Well for someone who has this disease it doesn't just happen then but it can happen many times through the month. Which only makes us that much more angry with the way we feel and look! Bloating and I are NOT best friends even though we spend so much time together! The next symptom is dehydration. Now you ask my husband about this one and he can tell you that there has been too many too count of visits to the hospital because I was so dehydrated. I struggle with this one a lot. Because I was in the hospital for it so much, the doctor told him how to test me and spot it happening before I got to the point of needing fluids. That's just sad! I have been soooo much that now the doctor is showing my husband ways to keep me from coming in..... "that's ridiculous Aundrea"! Why don't you drink enough to keep yourself healthy? Why?? Sadly I can't even answer that question right now, because I honestly don't know it.

This is just the first three symptoms that I deal with on a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly basis! I have learned to just roll with it and come to an understanding that this is the way your body is normally suppose to feel. Because it is so late and I have written so much already I will continue with the other symptoms tomorrow. Sadly the symptoms don't get any better but some are even worse :(

"Beautiful"

I have noticed the past few days as I have opened myself up, the devil has attacked me that much harder. I have always loved music. When I would be alone, I would just sing. Growing up I was asked to sing all the time and complimented on my "beautiful" voice. Hmmm...beautiful voice? So out of this ugly body, this ugly person.. your saying something "beautiful" comes out of it? I couldn't help but sing! I loved it! I still do!  I feel the music and it reaches out to me in a very therapeutic way. Well God who knows our every weakness, knows exactly how to reach me. Because I don't have the courage to write tonight I want to leave you with the song that touched my heart instead. I think every woman deserves to know that our Heavenly Father molded us and made us beautiful in His eyes! We just need to believe it ourselves!

Pregnant!

So I am at the point of when I found out that I was pregnant with twins! I have to fill you on the funny part of this moment! I remember laying on the patient table and looking up at my mom and the ultrasound tech. They were both silent and staring at each other. I had just heard the baby's heartbeat before going in there so I knew that the baby was alive. But something just wasn't right by how they were acting. So I finally spoke up and said "Is something wrong? Why are you both so silent?" Then my mom says to the tech "is that two babies I see in there?" and she said "yes, ma'am it is"! I was like "WHAT!?!? twins?? are you serious? I look over at my husband and he had turn from his pinky self to a complete white as a ghost look! He was so pale the tech asked him if he was ok and if he needed to sit down? She even asked him if she should go get the doctor!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA it was priceless! I have never seen him in so much shock it actually made him turn colors! Sweet man :)

Anyway....reality starts to sink in that I am going to be a mommy. Then at 16 weeks I start bleeding at work. The nurses and the doctor prepared me and my husband and told us that we would probably lose one or both the babies. I was devastated! I was just getting to the point of understanding I was going to be a mommy and now your saying I am going to lose my children? I knew this would not be good for me physically, mentally, emotionally at all. I want you to know during this time I quit going to church. I was tired of doing the whole "church thing." So I did not lean on the Lord during this time, instead I was upset and bitter. The doctor did an ultrasound and saw both the babies and their heartbeats! He was surprised because I had loss so much blood. He told me to go see my doctor in the morning and go from there. Thankfully the babies were ok but I had to quit work and be put on pelvic rest. (Yikes, only been married 4 months and I have to be on pelvic rest, sorry babe).

I was about 20 weeks along and went into my doctors visit. He was very upset with me because I had only gained about 5 pounds since the first visit of 8 weeks pregnant. I only weighed 107 pounds. He threatened me and told me about the importance of eating for my babies and myself. I gave him all the excuses in the world. But he is a doctor and could see right through me. He was very sweet to not put me in the hospital right then, however he insisted that I have I.V. therapy for a week! It was that or the hospital. So I chose the home therapy. I stayed with my parents during this time because my husband was away. They took very good care of me and were very strict on what the doctor wanted and made me obey him. I started feeling better. I was taken off of it and feeling like a million bucks! I slowly started gaining weight but still not enough.

By the time I was 23 weeks I started contracting and was put into the hospital so they could help keep me from having the babies so early. The doctor also told me that he didn't trust me to take care of myself so the hospital was a must. I remember my Aunt was with me and promised him she would take me, otherwise he was going to have me escorted there. At 26 weeks they thought I was going into labor and sent me to a different hospital out of state that had a NICU. It was so emotional for me. I have been away from husband for so long and now I am going out of state! I became depressed. If I wasn't hooked up to an I.V. and nurses making me eat and watching my every move I wouldn't have made it through that pregnancy. All I would eat was sunflower seeds and sprite. That was my meal. I stayed in the hospital till I gave birth to my twins which was 34 weeks.

They were so tiny. My son could not breathe on his own. My daughter needed a blood transfusion. All I could think about was I did this to them. I was told so many times the importance of eating and taking care of my babies and I failed them. I cried every night they were in the NICU because it was me that put them there. I felt God was punishing me and I knew I deserved it. They were there for 3 weeks. You think I would learn from this experience and take care of myself but I did not. I became depressed and relapsed. When I wasn't feeding the babies and taking care of them, I was eating and then getting rid of it. I now have this icky body and two kids that need me to be their everything. And I can't do that if I am fat. So the ugly cycle continues...

Marry Me Please!!!

So Kris has asked me to marry him and I am really excited about my wedding. I know we are young but we were ready to take the plunge. Unfortunately there were a few people who were dead set on us NOT getting married. They had no encouraging words for us at all. Don't get me wrong I understand that some comments and opinions were for us to consider and understand about marriage. Are you financially prepared? Are you mentally prepared? You do know that you two will have to depend on each other and not anyone else right? Just all the questions one gets when your so young and getting married. Well, actually when anyone gets married. Anyway... These certain individuals were depressed about it and really pushing my husband against it. I never felt accepted by these people and now I am seeing that my inner fears were true. These people never did like me! If they did they would never push my future husband away from me!

I began that night when he told me about what was said and being said, to start looking even worse at myself. Seriously? What else do I have to do to get acceptance around here? I did everything I could do to stay the "perfect thin"! I barely eat and what I do eat has absolutely no nutrition value. I lived off of Dr. Pepper, crackers, candy bars and chips! If we went out to eat I would eat chicken strips or pizza. But 1 piece because that was not going to my hips! I weighed exactly 102 pounds, my BMI was 16 and my wedding dress was going to be no bigger than a 2! I was an emotional wreck!! I came from a family that was not wealthy and had to pay for most of my wedding (which I don't blame them for they did their very best for me). We were already in debt and not married! And now your telling me that these influential people in my future husbands life are pushing him to not marry me!?! :( tears :( One of the issues that was brought up was that I am emotionally unstable!

Ummm.....duh! It doesn't matter what phase in my life that I was going through, there were always a couple people that were determined to make me feel like poo! The ONE person that got me, LOVED me, ACCEPTED me for who I was, was being pushed to not be with me?? Why? Do I not deserve happiness? Am I that ugly of a person that I can't have one person love me the way I wanted to be loved? What is so horrid about me??? I remember after the last episode of comments that happened, I looked at my future hubby and said "Either you stick with the day we set and marry me or lets end this!" To this day I have regretted that statement! Because I felt that I did exactly the opposite of what everyone else was doing to him! I "pushed" him to marry me! I went into the marriage thinking that he didn't marry me for me, he married me because I gave him an ultimatum and pushed it on him. I knew I loved my husband but I could never accept that he fully loved me.

We are now married and he would have to work till late at night. It left me at home a lot by myself and I began to get addicted to watching Soap Operas. No one was faithful in the episodes, everyone was cheating, being deceitful and everything else you can think of! (If you love watching them, I am not saying you have to quit, but for someone like me these are NOT the things you watch). I began to think that Kris wasn't "really" at work he was somewhere else, or he was at work but he was with someone else. I began to push my husband away from me. I began eating when I was depressed and then throwing up because I felt guilty. When my husband was home, I would eat with him but very little. He would leave and I would be soooo hungry I would consume so much food it was ridiculous! By the time it was night I felt sick to my stomach, upset with emotion and angry that I ate so stupidly. I would look in the mirror and cry. I would tell myself this is why you are so ugly! This is why no one can love you! This is why those around you despise you! This is why you hate yourself! This is why your husband will eventually leave you!

The sad part of it all, is that I didn't even care anymore. I was not meant for anything beautiful! Marriage I always heard would be so beautiful and I heard so many talk about how much they loved married life. I wanted that so badly! I now have it but I am not worthy of it! And just like everything else it will fail me and I will be alone! I will never forget the night that I was so sick with emotions, heartache, and fear. I had thoughts of ending my life. No one would miss me, infact everyone around me would probably wonder why it took me so long to just end it. (this was not the first time that I had thought about ending my life).

The Lord was looking out for me and allowed me to just cry myself to sleep. I was so exhausted with all the throwing up I did I just didn't have the strength for anything else but to go to sleep. Well not but just a couple weeks later (mind you, my husband and I have only been married 2 months by now) ...anyway.. I started not feeling very well and yep I am sure you are thinking it......I found out that I was PREGNANT!!  Oh no!!!! Now what am I going to do????? I have always dreamt of becoming a mother! But I am not healthy enough to be a mother, I know this!!! I am excited on the outside but devastated on the inside!! In order for my baby to live, I have to eat! And would you know it, I was so tiny that on my 8 week checkup they were able to see the baby on the ultrasound! Except I didn't have one baby I am going to be a mother of TWINS!!!!!!

Struggling...

Today is a short post because it has been an exhausting and very emotional day for me. Let's just say I did not eat till 3:30 this afternoon and I consumed maybe 500 calories. I am so struggling! I just didn't realize how hard this is! I am so aware of things that I was blinded to and I can barely breathe through it all! As I was driving home today God put the first song on the radio to help me! It was so perfect and his timing was amazing! I cried through it all! And the second song he put on there was to let me know that he is taking care of me through my husband as well and I have got to let go! Lord, I hear you, its just so hard! :(

Bulimia begins....

I want to explain to you that there are many different forms of Bulimia. I will definitely fill you in on the different types, as I have learned how to adapt to each one. Most know of the type that consists of eating and then throwing up later so that they don't gain any weight. I have been this type off and on through out my life. For me I was at a perfect weight and in order for me to maintain that weight I would eat and then shortly after I would throw up. I have used all kinds of ways to get rid of it. There is taking your toothbrush and putting it just far enough back that my gag reflexes would kick in and then "yes the damage is coming undone". I would use my finger as well to help me when my toothbrush wasn't close. My gag reflex got easier and easier the more I did it. It finally got to a point that I could mentally make myself sick without the help of anything. I would eat and then in my mind say "Aundrea, this is going to make your stomach upset you really shouldn't have eaten it." I would dwell on this for at least 30 minutes and before long I would start feeling nauseous. I would then collectively leave and get to the bathroom just in time to throw it all up.

I am thinking "Sweet, I can control this to where I can now do it in other places rather than just my home." Look at me....I am thinking this nasty habit is something pretty clever! Unfortunately for me, I began doing it so much that it became uncontrollable at one point. I remember going out with my senior class after homecoming dance. We would go after the dances to Shoney's and eat breakfast because it was late at night! I remember being hungry and eating a fair amount of food. I was dating my husband at the time and this dude could eat! LOL He was tiny and could have fourths and not gain a pound....how?? who knows! (And yes I was jealous of it, I had to stinkin' get rid of my junky food in order to stay skinny....) Anyway, I remember that I was fixing to get in his car for him to take me home and out of nowhere I just "threw up" all over his clothes.... :( that was not romantic at all! I just knew right then that he was going to dump me. I mean who does that?? Seriously?

I couldn't believe I couldn't control it. Well no matter how embarrassing that was for me, God used it for good. He made Kris aware of my issue. Thankfully he did not dump me, instead he started to watch my habits and take notice of the way I treat food and where I go after I eat food. I had no clue he was being so observant of my habits. If I did I am pretty positive I would have tried to cover it up better. During this time he proposed to me. I was so excited about it!! but it came with a price. The price was not given to me till a few months later. He caught on to my disappearing acts, my frequent bathroom breaks (haha for a second there I almost put "potty" breaks! LOL life of a mother) anyway, he told me that he loved me but if I did not stop making myself puke he would NOT marry me.

Of course denial sets in and I try to convince him he was crazy! But that didn't work. He was serious and he had my love and I couldn't stand for the one person in my life that loved me for me, to leave. So I slowly stopped with his help and his patience "I" conquered throwing up after I eat! He was excited that we beat this together and it was over ........................so he thought ...............

Intro.....

Before I start and let you into my life, I want you to understand that I am going to let you in on some personal things and the way my mind works. Please do not be offended, upset or think you can't approach me. I am very sincere about my friendships and my relationships. I struggle with acceptance and sometimes understanding of why you would want to be my friend. I go in with the mindset that I can love people but understand that they can't really love all of me. And this is what God is trying to help me with, because I unfortunately do the same with God. Yeah he loves me but he can't possibly love all of me. I despise his creation of food because it does absolutely nothing but make me angry and feel ugly. So he must despise me for that.

When looking back trying to figure out where this all started for me I was lead to one significant incident. I want you to know that I will not say specific names because there is no reason to. As I am struggling with the growing up of my two girls I started to realize that they are really in tuned with how the world views their bodies as well as unfortunately their mother. That made me not only feel like the worse mother ever but it also helped me pinpoint when I started to care about how I looked. We all go through that horrible ugly stage where our hair is never right, our makeup looks like a clown (but we think we are hot stuff ;) , the drag of wearing braces your whole teenage life and our body is forming all these weird parts!  I remember the first day I was teased that I had not yet received "boobs"! I remember out of embarrassment I laughed it off like "I don't really care, I am happy I don't have them." I went home thinking constantly about why didn't I have boobs? Was I deformed? Are they really that important? Will people always make fun of me and call me names because I don't? In all honesty, most of us ladies would be happy without them because oh my goodness the pain it causes in all areas! But its part of God's beautiful plan to help us nurture our sweet children so I will take them :) Anyway. I started to dwell on the things that I still had not yet received. I began to look at others and envy what they did have. But then it turned to an obsession. I would look at how the popular girls would dress, how the girls and especially the boys would treat them. I would listen to how they would talk and their likes and dislikes. Well of course I don't want to have any of the dislikes and you start to be obsessed of trying to do everything you can to fit in.

This happens to us all and I understand that but the turning point for me is when the closeness of someone you love decides that they don't think you are good enough for anyone and they constantly remind you of how physically ugly you are. I am just a young girl trying to figure out my new body and my weird teeth.  It started with small comments such as "you look very ugly this morning" "if you were my kid you would never have a right to anything" "I don't want you at my house""I am surprised that boy likes you".  It then went to threats of discipline. I couldn't speak without them yelling at me and making me feel so unworthy of anything and so very ugly. On special holidays everyone would receive a gift and I would not. I tried everything to get this person's approval. What changed about me? Why didn't they love me anymore? Did my appearance really make the difference on why they wouldn't accept me? I must really be this ugly person. This person influenced many around and they avoided me and desired no relationship with me whatsoever.

Let me tell you when someone who everyone loves and wants to be around all the time, wants absolutely nothing to do with you...... it hurts. I began to only focus on the negatives on what they and other people would say. I may have dressed completely retarded one day or mismatched because I was in a hurry and someone noticed and pointed it out. I wouldn't even think about how they were right about it. I would only focus on they don't like me in this color, they think I look fat in this outfit, I can't wear this type of brand any more, this color, ect.... They won't accept me or like me till I get rid of it. But if I was complimented on a color or brand then you can guarantee I was gonna shop and by clothes in that color or brand because it was acceptable. I wasn't made fun of when I wore that color so I must look ok? There wasn't a negative comment when I wore it really? hmm ... I better not change it then. I have no doubts with those of you I am close to, you could probably name the colors I love to wear or style I prefer. :/ I have had some say "Why don't you try wearing yellow?" Your skin would look great in it and you could pull it off..... I tell you "You really think so? Hmm maybe I will try it.. thanks your too sweet" but in my mind I am saying "Yellow, really? If you would have heard the comments I have received the last time I wore yellow, you wouldn't ask me to wear it." or "Are they being serious or just trying to hurt me because they know I would look absolutely hideous in that color, I know I have been told". Then for the next couple hours all I think about is why would they suggest a color I know looks so ugly on me. It makes me look HUGE! I feel like a bumblebee! Seriously? They are trying to hurt me :( and I thought they were my friend. I would never suggest a color to them I know they would look horrible in.

Even if the compliment and suggestion was true, in my mind I couldn't receive it. I then allow my mind to convince me that I need to change my appearance so that it somehow and one day could be a compliment. I start to brainstorm on how can I change my look to make that person right? Well when your thin everything looks better, hmmmmm I know the perfect thing that keeps me from being what I want! It is the source of all my problems! Its why I am ugly and not portioned the right way! Sometimes it makes me feel great but the majority of the time it makes me depressed and I hate it! Its a curse because no matter how bad you want to avoid it or get rid of it, you have to have it to live ....................................... FOOD

Intervention

I started this blog as something that would hold me accountable for the journey and the decisions that I will make in my life. I am a Christian woman who has prayed multiple times asking God to show me what I am suppose to do with my life. I didn't realize that the answer I was fixing to receive would be such a strong one. I am going to school right now and getting my Bachelor's in Religion with a Minor in Christian Counseling. I have been blessed that the classes I have been taking were helping me build a better and closer relationship with Christ. I decided to take a course in Counseling Women because I knew my heart and passion is to help other women. As I have been going through these classes God has been doing so much work on me. It amazes me how broken I was and how much time he has put into me to help me get better. I am thinking "sweet God is fixing me up and I am gonna be exactly who he wants me to be". I thought I was at the peak of all I could learn and then whammo he shows me that I am really still just at the beginning.

I am thinking really? Lord. I thought I was learning well and doing what I was suppose to be doing? I am doing prayer journals and quiet time with you, Bible reading, praying throughout the day; I am teaching my kids at home but biblically based and being the Godly wife that I am suppose to be. I think of others and give my time selflessly. I give my all to our local church, and yet I am still at the beginning? He was like "yes my dear". He made sure I felt his love and appreciation for all I have done already. But what he really wanted was all of "me".  I thought I was giving him all of me till I asked him to show me what he was referring to. And when you ask God be ready because he will give it to you trust me on that! Wow was I hit with a light bulb moment and not a fun one at all. What he revealed to me was that I have a serious disorder called "Bulimia".

Me? No way! I have been down that road before and know that I have conquered it! "I" conquered it. Then I thought about what I said? Wait "I" conquered it? How? I was ignorant in how serious this disorder is.

Bulimia is a compulsive eating (binge) followed by self-induced purging by vomiting, laxatives, diuretics, fasting, enemas, excessive exercise to control weight. Out of control eating and fear of gaining weight. I tend to show mood stability and impulse control problems.  My symptoms that occur at least twice a week are:

Gastric distress
Headaches
Skin irritations
Electrolyte disturbances
Low Potassium
Sensitivity to cold
Low pulse and temperature
Hair loss
Weakness and anxiety
Low blood sugar
Dizziness and Numbness to my body
Reduced ability to concentrate


Other things I have experienced on a continual basis is:

Large weight fluctuations whether I go up or down and its usually 10 pounds
Depression

I have impulsive, poorly controlled episodes of binge-eating.
I will consume high calorie foods in excessive quantities then feel uncomfortable and disgusted after I do. I will then do a chronic or sporadic diet or just fasting. I withdrawal socially from people because I don't like how I feel about myself. I know they must think the same thing of me that I feel about myself. That in turn will cause me to be depressed and have anxiety or panic attacks. I start avoiding my daily chores as a wife, mother, friend...ect. I have very low self esteem and know that everyone sees it or senses it so they avoid me.

This brings me to the point of my blog. I am a mother of 5, a happily married woman of 11 years and a strong believer in Jesus Christ. But I am still human. I still fail and fall just as anyone else. I need to beat this disease. I have two gorgeous girls and I do not want them to worry about the things that I constantly worry about. I need accountability to do better for them. I am determined to write everyday as I journey through this and defeat it! It will be a long process. I will be very descriptive in how I describe what I think throughout the day and how this disease can take over ones mind. I want people to understand the daily fight one has with food and image. This journal is going to take you into the mind of a Bulimic person and how different they think than those who don't have this disease. Please be in prayer for me! I will explain how I got this disease and how real it really is. I have been battling this for 15 years. Its time to say goodbye and change so that I can be the woman of God that he has planned for me to be!