Before I start and let you into my life, I want you to understand that I am going to let you in on some personal things and the way my mind works. Please do not be offended, upset or think you can't approach me. I am very sincere about my friendships and my relationships. I struggle with acceptance and sometimes understanding of why you would want to be my friend. I go in with the mindset that I can love people but understand that they can't really love all of me. And this is what God is trying to help me with, because I unfortunately do the same with God. Yeah he loves me but he can't possibly love all of me. I despise his creation of food because it does absolutely nothing but make me angry and feel ugly. So he must despise me for that.
When looking back trying to figure out where this all started for me I was lead to one significant incident. I want you to know that I will not say specific names because there is no reason to. As I am struggling with the growing up of my two girls I started to realize that they are really in tuned with how the world views their bodies as well as unfortunately their mother. That made me not only feel like the worse mother ever but it also helped me pinpoint when I started to care about how I looked. We all go through that horrible ugly stage where our hair is never right, our makeup looks like a clown (but we think we are hot stuff ;) , the drag of wearing braces your whole teenage life and our body is forming all these weird parts! I remember the first day I was teased that I had not yet received "boobs"! I remember out of embarrassment I laughed it off like "I don't really care, I am happy I don't have them." I went home thinking constantly about why didn't I have boobs? Was I deformed? Are they really that important? Will people always make fun of me and call me names because I don't? In all honesty, most of us ladies would be happy without them because oh my goodness the pain it causes in all areas! But its part of God's beautiful plan to help us nurture our sweet children so I will take them :) Anyway. I started to dwell on the things that I still had not yet received. I began to look at others and envy what they did have. But then it turned to an obsession. I would look at how the popular girls would dress, how the girls and especially the boys would treat them. I would listen to how they would talk and their likes and dislikes. Well of course I don't want to have any of the dislikes and you start to be obsessed of trying to do everything you can to fit in.
This happens to us all and I understand that but the turning point for me is when the closeness of someone you love decides that they don't think you are good enough for anyone and they constantly remind you of how physically ugly you are. I am just a young girl trying to figure out my new body and my weird teeth. It started with small comments such as "you look very ugly this morning" "if you were my kid you would never have a right to anything" "I don't want you at my house""I am surprised that boy likes you". It then went to threats of discipline. I couldn't speak without them yelling at me and making me feel so unworthy of anything and so very ugly. On special holidays everyone would receive a gift and I would not. I tried everything to get this person's approval. What changed about me? Why didn't they love me anymore? Did my appearance really make the difference on why they wouldn't accept me? I must really be this ugly person. This person influenced many around and they avoided me and desired no relationship with me whatsoever.
Let me tell you when someone who everyone loves and wants to be around all the time, wants absolutely nothing to do with you...... it hurts. I began to only focus on the negatives on what they and other people would say. I may have dressed completely retarded one day or mismatched because I was in a hurry and someone noticed and pointed it out. I wouldn't even think about how they were right about it. I would only focus on they don't like me in this color, they think I look fat in this outfit, I can't wear this type of brand any more, this color, ect.... They won't accept me or like me till I get rid of it. But if I was complimented on a color or brand then you can guarantee I was gonna shop and by clothes in that color or brand because it was acceptable. I wasn't made fun of when I wore that color so I must look ok? There wasn't a negative comment when I wore it really? hmm ... I better not change it then. I have no doubts with those of you I am close to, you could probably name the colors I love to wear or style I prefer. :/ I have had some say "Why don't you try wearing yellow?" Your skin would look great in it and you could pull it off..... I tell you "You really think so? Hmm maybe I will try it.. thanks your too sweet" but in my mind I am saying "Yellow, really? If you would have heard the comments I have received the last time I wore yellow, you wouldn't ask me to wear it." or "Are they being serious or just trying to hurt me because they know I would look absolutely hideous in that color, I know I have been told". Then for the next couple hours all I think about is why would they suggest a color I know looks so ugly on me. It makes me look HUGE! I feel like a bumblebee! Seriously? They are trying to hurt me :( and I thought they were my friend. I would never suggest a color to them I know they would look horrible in.
Even if the compliment and suggestion was true, in my mind I couldn't receive it. I then allow my mind to convince me that I need to change my appearance so that it somehow and one day could be a compliment. I start to brainstorm on how can I change my look to make that person right? Well when your thin everything looks better, hmmmmm I know the perfect thing that keeps me from being what I want! It is the source of all my problems! Its why I am ugly and not portioned the right way! Sometimes it makes me feel great but the majority of the time it makes me depressed and I hate it! Its a curse because no matter how bad you want to avoid it or get rid of it, you have to have it to live ....................................... FOOD