Sunday, March 11, 2012


The next word I looked up on Wikipedia was: 

Minimization is a type of deception involving denial coupled with rationalization in situations where complete denial is implausible. It is the opposite of exaggeration.

Minimization is one of the most common ways we reduce our feelings of guilt..."It's not that big of a deal" Words associated with minimization include:

  • downplaying
  • euphemism 
  • making light of 

  • minification
  • trivializing
  • understating  
 I didn't realize how much I used this word!

I actually used this word a lot while I have had the flu.

"Well I have a fever and just don't feel well. So it is ok if I don't eat anything." "People are suppose to lose weight when they have the flu." "If you eat you will just get sick, so your not really hurting yourself. You are actually saving yourself from many trips to the toilet.""My throat is sore and I can't taste anything anyway, so what is the point?" This is just a few of the thoughts that have ran through my head in the past few days.

In reality there are many things that I could be doing to help get the nutrition I need while I am sick with the flu. I just lack the desire and want. I have been drinking tons of water but that is it.

I don't just do this when I am sick. Although it is while I am sick it shines brightly. I am always downplaying what I do to a level that I think sounds reasonable and doable. The sad thing is that it is not healthy or wise. It is a mindset that I need to get rid of! But will take A LOT of work! This is going to be my first step in reprogramming my mind.

With the examples I gave before I needed to be thinking, "I do have a fever but my stomach isn't upset, eat and give yourself some nutrients to fight back." "You do not use the flu as a way to lose weight." "True you may get sick, but than you may not and actually build yourself some strength to get better."  "Bummer I can't taste this but I need it to get better."

Why can't I think like that? Why does it take me concentration and time to develop those thoughts? This is where I really want to focus and work on :)

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Saving Me...

It has been a very hard week for me. I can't tell you how long it has been since I have had the flu! A good idea might be that when I went to get the 1 theraflu I knew I had left, it had expired in 2008! So that didn't help me! HA!

It has been such a bummer that I have had to spend all Saturday in bed with toilet paper, cough drops, Dayquil, covers, water and loads of pillows by me! When I wasn't sleeping I was feeling like someone was sitting on my head and wouldn't get off! I woke up around 5:30 p.m. and asked my husband for something to eat. I was able to eat a PB & J sandwich but not tasting any of it. That was weird. I have tried to keep plenty of water in my system so that I don't become dehydrated. I can tell that I am borderline. Why because I get this way many times to often. I can sense my body needs food but I just don't have the energy and longing to eat. I feel horrible. I remember people telling me during my morning sickness that eating actually helps it go away. (oh no no no no, it does nothing but make me wanna hurl, yuck) were they right.....probably. It worked for them. I know everyone is different and it might have worked for me and then again might not have but I shouldn't have just turned them off. Why does everyone think food is the solution?

After eating my sandwich I decided to open up the book that was given to me. I have completed the first 5 chapters and can see how some of the mindsets she has placed in her life are ways that I need to consider!

There have been a couple things that have caught my attention. I didn't know about the acronym HALT. She said you should consider asking yourself before eating are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. (others that are not part of it is Depressed, Guilty, PMS, Thirsty, Stress, Discouraged or Wounded.) I am sure we can relate to so many of these reasons on why we eat the way we do or when we eat the most. I understand and relate to her there. But my questions are what if you DONT eat because of those acronyms? That is what is hard for me? Those are the answers I am seeking.

Last night my husband got BBQ and all the kids got the same thing except for my youngest daughter. She got a plain Baked Potato because everything else they had contains soy or wheat. She is allergic to that so we have got to try and stay away from pretty much all processed foods, breads, pasta, candy... the list goes on. I often wonder why God gave me a daughter with "food" allergies. Since her diagnosis I have tried changing the way our family eats. We (ok not we, but "my husband") cooks a lot more at home and have turned from most process foods. I fail at the I don't have time so let me pop this in the oven and in about 20 minutes your food will be ready! ;-/ I am praying that God helps me through that. Especially once my husband leaves for a few months. Anyway.

I remember when my daughter was first diagnosed I told her I would not eat anything that she couldn't. It was very hard for me to indulge in something knowing she can't physically have it. (When I do eat what she can't I fall into a sense of guilt) What love of food she had was stripped from her. Although the doctor says she is too old now to out grow these allergies there is always a possibility. As I read this book God sheds light to me that through my daughter he is also fixing me. He knows the love/hate relationship I have with food. He knows the struggles I deal with on a daily basis. And now that my daughter has to be given fresh meals and special foods I am staring my fear and issue right in the face!

Oh my goodness! Lord!?? Do you know what you are asking of me? You want me to prepare meals and cook?! I despise it! It stresses me out! I am prone to having it perfect! Give me a picture and if it doesn't look like that I throw the food away! I get angry! And now? you are asking of me to be hands on in our meals! PANIC MODE!!

How am I going to do this? I know that I have to do it! I am a momma bear when it comes to my children and I will protect them and give them whatever I can when it is asked of me. (Now I am not talking about my kids bossing me around I am their servant... um no I don't work that way) I am talking about life. My daughter has special needs and she needs a healthy mother to supply and help her with those needs. I look at her and just cry sometimes because she is so young and having to go through such a big change is so hard for her and (selfishly) me too :(

I can sulk and cry and throw all kinds of questions at God but I am not going to! What I am going to do is sit down and take those large amount of cookbooks I bought just for her and find recipes I know she will enjoy. I need to incorporate her way of eating into all of our lives. I need to organize a shopping list and just go do it! If you think about it, is a healthier way to eat. Take away the process foods and the gluten that makes food plumpier or last longer is gone. All you have left to eat is the natural foods that God created in the first place.

God has a mysterious way sometimes in the things that he does. My daughter asked me a few weeks ago... "Momma, why me? Why did God pick me to be allergic to food?" and I quietly told her that "God has his reasons and his ways, and although we may not see it now he has a huge plan for it." She said "Mom I just wish I could see what it was, because I do miss the food that I can't have." and I cried saying "I know sweetheart you do but you are going to feel so much better eating what doesn't harm you and will have a great testimony someday to share with others." She said "Ok" we hugged and cried and then she went off to play.

And as  I look at my daughter I cry thinking "If she only knew that she is saving me."

Two of the goodies I saw while reading my book:

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Excited about this book!

My brain is so tired from all the school papers, tests, lectures and so forth! I am looking forward to my spring break this next week! Whoo Hoo! I have so much planned I hope I get to fit it all in! One thing I know I want to do is read something I am not made to read! Although I have enjoyed reading these books in class I really want to do some luxury reading where I don't have to worry about being tested! I was given a book last week that just made me so excited! It was from a very sweet friend whom I have gotten close to just in the last 6 months! LOVE HER!! She put inside the book some encouraging verses as I read it! I can't wait to see the little surprises in it! The book is by Candace Cameron Bure! Yep the girl from Full House! LOVED that show!

She offers advice to those who struggle with food issues. She battled so many. She used her Christian faith and God's grace to get her through it all! One thing she said on the back of the book is

"I knew who God was, but I still hadn't grasped who I was in His sight" - Candace Cameron Bure

...She said it perfectly!!!! Why am I caring what sight I am to everyone else? The only one that matters is God. His opinion and sight is the only one that matters! I need this mentality and I am encouraged to see how she beat this ugly sickness. I can't wait to fill you in on what I discover within myself through her and God's light as I read it! If you are interested as well, I encourage you to read it with me :)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


I am sorry I have not been posting everyday like I promised I would. We were blessed with the flu bug and it has taken ALOT out of me! 4 out of 5 kiddos had fever today and I wasn't doing so-so. However I did manage to finish up one of my school courses today. I was thankful that I had plenty of downtime to do it. Sadly it was because my spunky kiddos were just really laid back and quiet. Today we pretty much lounged all day. We have laid in my bed together for most of the day. We have chitchatted and played games. I was able to have great conversations with my daughters and as well as my sons. I never thought I would be thankful for a flu bug but I must say this quarantine has been so nice. I was able to bond with my children. I realized I missed them! I haven't been spending the time I needed to with my sweeties! They grow up fast enough and I don't want to miss out on anything!

I got lost in the hustle and bustle of things lately. I have been trying so hard to please people that I lost who I really am! Why am I spending time trying to please people? I should be spending my time with my children, husband and God. Wait?! Let me put that in the right order. I should be spending time with God, my husband and my children. I have overwhelmed myself with things that do not matter. Friendships yes they matter and that's not what I am talking about. I am talking about petty things I have let come into my life. I have a friend who means the WORLD to me!! She, with her loving heart talked to me about how I have been lately. I have been let's face it ..... AN EMOTIONAL WRECK. I have done exactly two of things that are a social consequence of mine! I started isolating myself from people especially the ones closest to me. I start feeling that they don't have my best interest at heart. I think they are out to get me and pick on me. Its such an ugly thought and feeling. I am a happy person who loves people. Not this emotional wreck who is in constant worry about everything! Where is my joy? That is what is missing! My JOY!!! It is because I have not let Jesus be the center of my life lately. I was scared and feeling shameful. I pushed my family away. I don't understand why this vicious cycle keeps happening over and over again?

Because the devil won't let me be! He is angry with me for trying to get out of this nasty bondage! He doesn't want me to seek help. He doesn't want me to get better. Why? Because it hurts my growth as a Christian. He is scared of me and who I will become if I beat this!! That just gives me that much more encouragement to beat this crap! I have felt the prayers from you and it is what has helped me get through this past week. I have been able to mend a few relationships and move on past this ickiness I am in. I am going to seek professional help. I fought against this because I thought that means I am a failure. But its the complete opposite. It means I am a winner for getting the help I need! Please be in prayer as I search for the perfect counselor to help me surpass this dungeon I am in. 

Many Blessings,

Thought this song was perfect!

Saturday, March 3, 2012


So I wanted to see what exactly the definition for denial was. I googled it and got the definition from Wikipedia.

Denial is a defense mechanism, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.  The subject may use:
  • simple denial: deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether
  • minimisation: admit the fact but deny its seriousness (a combination of denial and rationalization)
  • projection: admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility. 

I am so happy that it has been almost exactly 2 weeks since God has revealed to me more evidence than I could ever imagine on my illness! I remember the countless prayers I said asking him why I couldn't get to that point of happiness. I knew that there was a void somewhere. I asked him why it could be such an amazing day yet end with a sense of loneliness. The moment he shed light to me that I was struggling with Bulimia, I felt an instant warmness in my heart. Not that I wanted to have that answer or even have an illness like that. But the fact that he heard my cry! Definitely in shock and dismay I had the opposite effect that moment. I was hopeful and in awe that my prayer had been answered!

What I did not realize at the time is HE helped me already defeat one of my very first Cognitive Consequences!! DENIAL!!   I have beat down that consequence and it can NOT harm me anymore!!!

Thank you Jesus that you have never given up on me and that you took away my DENIAL!! Thank you Jesus I can't say it enough!!

1 John 1:8-9 ESV

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Titus 2:11-14 ESV

11 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people,
12 training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age,
13 waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.

The first step has been conquered Lord!!!! and only by your humbling grace!! I am ready to take down another one!!!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Consequences of Bulimia

I am heading back home today for a very quick one day visit. My family is throwing my middle son a birthday party. I have spent all day cleaning and packing. I still have to fit in my schoolwork, get ready for date night and load up the car to head out! I won't have the time to blog about my day today, but will catch you up soon! I found a really good website that shows exactly what my mind struggles with on a daily basis! It worded it perfectly!! Except for the very last one, I have never done that and I owe that to Jesus because I was saved the whole time of this disease. So thankful the Legal Consequence does not describe me! YAY! 1 down .........

A Summary of the Cognitive, Emotional and Social Consequences of Bulimia

Cognitive Consequences

  • Focus on food and eating
  • Loss of interest in other activities
  • Distorted beliefs about food, eating, body shape and size
- Denial
- Minimisation
- Blaming            
- Diversion
- Intellectualisation
- Dichotomous thinking
- Personalization
- Overgeneralisation
- Magical thinking
  • Passing on unrealistic/distorted attitudes and beliefs about food to children
  • Poor concentration
  • Memory problems
  • Difficulty in comprehending
  • Difficulty making decisions

Emotional Consequences

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Irritability
  • Shame
  • Guilt
  • Embarrassment
  • Hopelessness
  • Fear of being discovered
  • Disgust
  • Low Self-esteem
  • Feeling out of control

Social Consequences

  • Isolation 
  • Secrecy
  • Interpersonal mistrust
  • Decreased sexual interest

Financial Consequences

  • Spending large amounts of money or buying binge foods and laxatives

Legal Consequences

  • Getting caught shoplifting food, laxatives or other things

Bulik, C., Sullivan, P., Carter, F., Joyce, P., & McIntosh, V. (1993). Cognitive Therapy Therapist Manual for the treatment of Bulimia Nervosa. University of Canterbury, New Zealand. (that is the website I found if you want to look at other diseases or information that may help you or others you love). 

Those of you who know me can probably check off many of these and give full examples on how I have shown these characteristics! I am outing myself completely because how am I gonna get better if I don't start attacking each and everyone of these consequences head on with scripture and God! Not to mention prayer warriors, friends and family! I am thankful for the prayer and support!

Be in prayer for me this weekend it will be difficult. My family loves me and will support me but I am scared to face them after I revealed my inner most secret. They have done nothing wrong. I love them dearly, its just my own shame and guilt. And the secret I kept from them for so long!

Thursday, March 1, 2012


This morning was an eventful morning. I have been struggling lately with taking deep breaths and being able to breathe well. I had an allergy test Monday with all those prickly pokes all over your back and arm. Yeah, so anyway (don't want to talk about it, painful and just not a good thing to think about).. had that done and found out that I am allergic to all trees, pollens, flowers, grasses, molds...pretty much all of God's planted creation. I will start next week getting allergy shots twice a week. Let me just say I am a HUGE weenie when it comes to needles! I wanted to literally punch that sweet nurse that kept poking me all over with those dang needles! And now your telling me that I will have to be pricked twice a week! "Lord, I am just curious if you knew that I was going to be allergic to your beautiful planted creation, why did you not give me skin of leather, or the ability to handle pain so well? What I am suppose to learn and take from this?" I dwelt on this all day long! I was so depressed! So in my mind I believe that this is why I am having issues with my breathing. I tell the Pulmonologist that I feel the breathing is allergy induced. He agreed it could be a possibility but insisted that I go through other tests to make sure I am not asthmatic or have clots in my lungs. So I get out of bed this morning around 7:30 and do my prayer time. I then get ready for the appointment and leave the house around 8:45 to get to my appointment. No I didn't not think once about breakfast or what I should eat, I popped in 2 pieces of doublemint gum and knew that would last me till lunch.

So I am on the road and already terrified at this point because the nurse told me on the phone that they were going to try and cause me to have an asthma attack. Why in the world would you want to push my lungs that far? I prayed the whole way there! I thought about the negatives of the test and why I should just turn around and go home. Then I thought about the positives of this test and how it will eliminate the other things they "thought" could be an issue. I know that there are still two other tests I am scheduled for and why bother, ugh I am so sick of these tests!!! My nerves are shot by the time I get to my appointment which was at 9:30. During this test I am breathing as hard as I can and also inhaling this weird chemical stuff! I suck it in and blow it out and it makes this weird smoke look! It was actually pretty neat, and I thought about the smoke to keep my mind off the test. (You would probably laugh at me if you knew what was floating around in my brain at that time Ha!) Don't know what will become of the test but I was thankful it was over. That stuff they gave me made me so shaky for almost the whole afternoon. That I did not like! I couldn't hold anything without it just shaking! My kids laughed because I couldn't write down examples for them to go by while we were doing fractions! The stuff is Evil I tell ya! LOL

I get home this afternoon thinking about what I need to eat for lunch because by this time it is almost noon and I am not feeling that well. I ended up eating some cottage cheese, tomatoes and with black pepper. I could live off of that stuff! I know most people think it is sooo gross, but I absolutely LOVE it! I think my kids love it because it is what I would eat the whole time I was pregnant! LOL. You take my kids to a salad bar and they are gonna get : Cottage Cheese, Sunflower seeds, Tomatoes and a Boiled Egg! haha! That's a great meal for me :) Fulfilling and low in calories! Anyway. That is what I ended up having for lunch. I got to work on my schoolwork again and flustered by the APA formatting! I am so use to writing in Turabian that its just not flowing with me! So my wonderful Bestie calls me and helps me the best she can. She doesn't realize how much that meant to me! Anytime we talk reality disappears and its just like a relaxing, unstressed peaceful breeze of happiness! So thank you Bestie for that! I snacked a little before we headed out. I ate a few pieces of candy and some white cheddar popcorn.

A sweet friend of mine from church asked me to dinner and so we skipped Zumba (although in my mind I am thinking about all those wonderful calories I needed to burn off, but I could sure use a night out too, soo suck it up!) and headed out to eat and shop! We ended up ordering this yummy Frito Pie and had a sundae for dessert!

I feel that even though my morning and afternoon started out stressful and I had a bit of an anxiety attack; it ended up being one of my better days. So I am very thankful for today and know for a fact the reason it ended so well, is because I started my day out with my alone time with my Savior Jesus Christ! He knew exactly when I was at my low point today and knew exactly what I would need to keep a float! I pray that when you have your prayer time with him, that you ask him to be the void you search for. To fill your cup with all his goodness, comfort, strength, mercy, love and wisdom. That even though the day has just begun you respond to each thing that comes your way with an attribute of him. And when you ask, you will receive it! It felt like nothing could defeat me today!! I can't help but be excited about what tomorrow may bring! Tonight I don't go to bed with the dread of another day!