Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Day 1

Ok, so bare with me, because this is the first day I am writing as how my day went! I stayed up till 2:00 this morning because of the storm! One minute it was headed in our direction and the next minute it wasn't. I couldn't not go to sleep until I knew it had passed. We are on one side of the house and our kiddos were on the other side and there was no way I could go to sleep without knowing we were out of tornado danger. So because I stayed up so late I did not wake up until 9:30 this morning!

I get up quickly knowing that I need to get the kids started on school! I rushed into my day leaving me no time to pray or have my devotion. So now that I haven't had my time with the Lord I am grouchy and also know that I am hungry. I have been doing good lately keeping my calories at 1200 (or sometimes 1500). Days that I go over I feel so guilty! Well Friday was the start of my "overeating" as I would put it. I consumed about 1565 that day and just felt awful about it! Now when I feel awful it can go either way. I can either stop eating much and only consume maybe 500 calories or I say "forget it I am already overeating why not just make the best of the weekend and overeat".  Saturday and Sunday I went over that 1200 mark as well! Saturday was 1433 and Sunday was 1271.  I was so upset allowing myself to eat like that on Monday, Tuesday and today I didn't even calculate my calories because I know its way over. I didn't want those that are holding me accountable on my food intake to see my guilty pleasures and failures. (By the way I have the app MyFitnessPal and it is what I use for my calorie intake. You are more than welcome to add me as a friend. I do think accountability is what I need and I know after I write this, those that are my friends now on there will start making sure I do it no matter what.) I don't eat healthy during that time either. Its junk. I am miserable, bloated, and sick to my stomach all day.

I know most of you think "Aundrea you were still under 1800 calories you are doing good!" Well I still can't look at it that way. No matter how hard I try. Why can't I accept this? Why do I beat myself up and tell myself that "this is why you are fat, ugly and can't accomplish anything!" This is going to be one of the hardest parts to change. UGH!!!! So anyway. I make the kids eat cereal and I eat at least 3 or 4 serving sizes of Lucky Charms. I think "I'll burn this off with just my daily activities and won't eat anymore for the rest of the day." Wrong. We are almost done with school and my kids remind me that it is 12:00 which is "lunchtime." I fix them chicken nuggets because it has been awhile since they have had them and it was quick and easy so we could get back to work. I get them all done and situated and think "I just had a huge bowl of cereal earlier today, you haven't done much of anything, so those calories are ALL still there. You need to drink water and that be your lunch." I didn't grab a water but a Cherry 7up. This does have calories (which I forgot) but as I teach I am snacking on cheetos as though they were going out of style. Healthy right? Perfect meal for lunch, Cherry 7UP and a bag of salsa con queso cheetos! (although I must admit they were so yummy). I have the kids finish up with lunch and school and then sit down to "attempt" my paper for school.

It is NOT the format I am use to and it just frazzles me and puts me in a bad mood. I am still working on that 7UP and find the bag of candy I was munching on the night before, so I finish off those. I start to doubt my abilities to write this paper and come to the conclusion that I am just not gonna do it today. I then quit, shower and take us to church. I am starving by the time I get to church and exhausted. Hmmm?? I wonder why? I have had lucky charms, cheetos, 7 up and a few things of candy. Not something you eat to give you energy, strength or fill you up either! I am ashamed of how I ate today because I knew what I was doing was wrong. But in my mind I had every reasonable excuse or every perfect justification on why it was ok with what I ate. Sad really :( I am disgusted about it and humiliated with the fact that for 15 years I thought this eating behavior was ok! No wonder my body has so many issues and constant problems! How is it suppose to work right if I am feeding it junk or nothing worth nutrition!! .......

I will go to bed tonight thinking the same thing I did the night before....."There is always tomorrow, and I will get it right" ....what I forget is that everyday yes is a new day but its also a new day of challenges and obstacles that you are unprepared for. I need to realize that what I am doing to my body will suffer consequences and I don't want my struggles and consequences to affect my husband and children.....

Tuesday, February 28, 2012


God tells us to look to his word when we need him! God tells us to pray to him when we need him! Tonight this is what I found and wanted to share it.


Strength Quotes For Encouragement

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Christian Encouragement Quotes

God will not be absent when His people are on trial; he will stand in court as their advocate, to plead on their behalf.  –Charles Haddon Spurgeon

You are valuable because you exist. Not because of what you do or what you have done, but simply because you are. –Max Lucado

Be assured, if you walk with Him and look to Him, and expect help from Him, He will never fail you. –George Mueller

The stars may fall, but God’s promises will stand and be fulfilled. –J. I. Packer

Monday, February 27, 2012

Lord heal me from these symptoms!

So there are a few more symptoms that I struggle with on a constant basis. Another symptom is dry skin. It is mainly noticeable on my knees and elbows. It drives me nuts! It "seems" like these symptoms all start appearing at the same time. I then get the anxiety and wonder what is going on with my body! I get angry because I am irritated with how my skin is looking. I shouldn't be surprised why I have these symptoms but I am in denial many days of what is going on. The next one is an irregular heartbeat. Sometimes my sitting heart rate can be so fast! I have had my husband check it many times because I thought it was going to jump out of my chest!!! I remember one day I had done absolutely nothing, just had a great lazy day but just didn't feel right. My body caught up with me and all the void I gave it and my sitting heart rate was 102. Really? Now I have also had the complete opposite! I felt no energy, no umph, nothing. I don't feel right then either. Those days my husband complains because my heartbeat is so soft he can't read it at any pulsing places. This is part of the disease I hate the most. It makes me feel so bad. My anxiety gets the better of me on those days too. When my chest hurts you automatically think "HEART ATTACK"!! Then that just makes it worse. Anxiety is NOT your friend! I know all of us have experienced anxiety and most know how to handle it. This is what I need to learn better and beat the sinful mess of allowing it to get the better of me.

Ok so this next one happens at least 5 out of 7 days. I hate that I have to adapt to it! I can't stand that I don't know or grasp what it is that I need to do to beat it either! I know so many people have tried but its just like with anything. You can yell it, mention it a billion times, show examples, ect. and it won't do any good unless I am willing to listen and change. I am not trying to be ugly about the help, I just mentally can not grasp it. My mind is a constant battle! I fight more with my mind than I do with anything else! The symptom is tingling and numbing of my face, hands, fingers and even my feet. If you sit beside me in church or anywhere else you will notice that I can not keep my legs in one position very long. I lose sensation from them. If my legs are crossed I will switch them about every 10-15 minutes. I play with things in my hands when I am just sitting down listening because if I am not moving them often they go completely numb. I actually take breaks as I write my blog because I lose feeling in some of my fingers. The tingling can get so bad on my face that sometimes I can slap my face and not feel anything but pins and needles. I absolutely HATE this feeling!! But what do I do to change it?? Am I willing to take the jump to make it happen? Why am I so stinkin' stubborn!! AHHHHH ...... Lord, I need your help!! :( this is not a normal way to live!

Another symptom is muscle cramps! I get these ALOT in my legs (calves) especially when I am asleep! I have had people tell me to eat more bananas that I am lacking in potassium! Or drink some gatorade! When I listen and do it! Yes I do feel a lot better and the cramps don't happen as often! But I won't drink a lot of gatorade because of all the sugar it contains and I get tired of bananas and take breaks from them. A symptom I get that goes along with this is very low potassium! When I have this my husband knows it. My dehydration kicks in, my very low pulse happens, and I have absolutely no energy. My chest hurts. Its a mess! I am 31 years old and I am feeling like someone at least 40 years older! Ridiculous simply ridiculous!

I get headaches and blurry vision all the time. I was told that I needed glasses but it was only at night when I am driving. So what's going on the rest of the time if I don't need them on a regular basis? I have had some fainting or blacking out spells. There have been a couple incidents my husband was terrified because I was OUT! There was also a time my mom was curling my hair for school because it was the first day at a new school and I was just nervous and needed perfection! So of course I am gonna have my momma do her magic! I needed to make a different impression on these people than I did at the other school. I let the no eating, anxiety, dehydration ect.. get the best of me and I passed out while she was doing my hair. She said I fell to the floor and barely missed hitting my head on the bathtub. Sadly I just told my mom a lie that I was just nervous and it was my "time of the month" and that made me feel weird. Great......that's where the lying began! Unproud moment and not fun thinking about either. 

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Start of Symptoms

For those of you following me or come upon my blogs I just want to stress that I am starting from the moment I became bulimic and some moments throughout my life that either helped me or enabled me to be sick. I feel God has led me to blog in this way. I have no idea what he has in store for me but I am so anxious to find out! If my openness helps others than so be his will. I pray before I blog and asked God to guide me with my thoughts and words. If I jump around and sometimes don't fall in sync with what I was doing before just bare with me :) The Lord has his reasons! 

My children are now home and in my complete care. I am sure most of us as new mothers have a small set of "PANIC' that enters our mind. The hospital spoils us rotten! They check on us continually, answer all the questions, step in and do the hard work for us, allow us to rest, and the list goes on. When you go home its just you and baby! Or in my case babies! I don't know about you but I was anxious to hold my children and take care of the them (even though I had no clue exactly how to do that). It seemed like the nurses always had some dumb excuse to take my baby! I remember being frustrated over this. I was thinking "Hey I did all the hard work lady, you didn't carry those children, I did! Give them to me and back off!" O dear Aundrea how immature and silly you were! By the time I had my 5th, I was like "Yes, you may take him and bathe him and do what you need to do, I will sneak in a short cat nap while he is away :)" Does that make me a bad mother? I thought it might, but then again I thought "Nope because its the last night of sleep your gonna get ...... till he is 18!" HA!

Anyway, Because of my current state, I was not healthy enough to supply my children enough breast milk that they went to formula at 5 months. Surprisingly I did not find this a failure at all, more as "you made it the 6 weeks they ask for" type thing! One thing I know that most of you are unaware of is the way we physically feel during this time. Its a feeling to which we learn to adapt too! For me it started after I gave birth to my twins and they required so much of my attention and time. I ate enough I felt to get me through the day with little to do before I had children. Now that my kids are here.... I am up earlier, less sleep, less food, less energy... everything is just less.

So I began having bowl issues. (Gross I know, but its serious) Apparently what is normal is to go at least once a day and have a good movement. I however go every 3 to 4 days. When I was told that I was suppose to be going everyday I thought that was very odd!! I mean seriously who does that? Um...everybody does :-/ Awkward!!! .... So that is symptom number one that you just adapt too. Now all of us ladies know that when its our "special week" we feel bigger than a pigmy hippo!! Dang bloating!! Really? Why does that even exist? We have issues with the way we look already, now you go and add times where we can't fit into our pants without laying down on the bed! Ugh! Well for someone who has this disease it doesn't just happen then but it can happen many times through the month. Which only makes us that much more angry with the way we feel and look! Bloating and I are NOT best friends even though we spend so much time together! The next symptom is dehydration. Now you ask my husband about this one and he can tell you that there has been too many too count of visits to the hospital because I was so dehydrated. I struggle with this one a lot. Because I was in the hospital for it so much, the doctor told him how to test me and spot it happening before I got to the point of needing fluids. That's just sad! I have been soooo much that now the doctor is showing my husband ways to keep me from coming in..... "that's ridiculous Aundrea"! Why don't you drink enough to keep yourself healthy? Why?? Sadly I can't even answer that question right now, because I honestly don't know it.

This is just the first three symptoms that I deal with on a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly basis! I have learned to just roll with it and come to an understanding that this is the way your body is normally suppose to feel. Because it is so late and I have written so much already I will continue with the other symptoms tomorrow. Sadly the symptoms don't get any better but some are even worse :(

Saturday, February 25, 2012


I have noticed the past few days as I have opened myself up, the devil has attacked me that much harder. I have always loved music. When I would be alone, I would just sing. Growing up I was asked to sing all the time and complimented on my "beautiful" voice. Hmmm...beautiful voice? So out of this ugly body, this ugly person.. your saying something "beautiful" comes out of it? I couldn't help but sing! I loved it! I still do!  I feel the music and it reaches out to me in a very therapeutic way. Well God who knows our every weakness, knows exactly how to reach me. Because I don't have the courage to write tonight I want to leave you with the song that touched my heart instead. I think every woman deserves to know that our Heavenly Father molded us and made us beautiful in His eyes! We just need to believe it ourselves!

Friday, February 24, 2012


So I am at the point of when I found out that I was pregnant with twins! I have to fill you on the funny part of this moment! I remember laying on the patient table and looking up at my mom and the ultrasound tech. They were both silent and staring at each other. I had just heard the baby's heartbeat before going in there so I knew that the baby was alive. But something just wasn't right by how they were acting. So I finally spoke up and said "Is something wrong? Why are you both so silent?" Then my mom says to the tech "is that two babies I see in there?" and she said "yes, ma'am it is"! I was like "WHAT!?!? twins?? are you serious? I look over at my husband and he had turn from his pinky self to a complete white as a ghost look! He was so pale the tech asked him if he was ok and if he needed to sit down? She even asked him if she should go get the doctor!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA it was priceless! I have never seen him in so much shock it actually made him turn colors! Sweet man :)

Anyway....reality starts to sink in that I am going to be a mommy. Then at 16 weeks I start bleeding at work. The nurses and the doctor prepared me and my husband and told us that we would probably lose one or both the babies. I was devastated! I was just getting to the point of understanding I was going to be a mommy and now your saying I am going to lose my children? I knew this would not be good for me physically, mentally, emotionally at all. I want you to know during this time I quit going to church. I was tired of doing the whole "church thing." So I did not lean on the Lord during this time, instead I was upset and bitter. The doctor did an ultrasound and saw both the babies and their heartbeats! He was surprised because I had loss so much blood. He told me to go see my doctor in the morning and go from there. Thankfully the babies were ok but I had to quit work and be put on pelvic rest. (Yikes, only been married 4 months and I have to be on pelvic rest, sorry babe).

I was about 20 weeks along and went into my doctors visit. He was very upset with me because I had only gained about 5 pounds since the first visit of 8 weeks pregnant. I only weighed 107 pounds. He threatened me and told me about the importance of eating for my babies and myself. I gave him all the excuses in the world. But he is a doctor and could see right through me. He was very sweet to not put me in the hospital right then, however he insisted that I have I.V. therapy for a week! It was that or the hospital. So I chose the home therapy. I stayed with my parents during this time because my husband was away. They took very good care of me and were very strict on what the doctor wanted and made me obey him. I started feeling better. I was taken off of it and feeling like a million bucks! I slowly started gaining weight but still not enough.

By the time I was 23 weeks I started contracting and was put into the hospital so they could help keep me from having the babies so early. The doctor also told me that he didn't trust me to take care of myself so the hospital was a must. I remember my Aunt was with me and promised him she would take me, otherwise he was going to have me escorted there. At 26 weeks they thought I was going into labor and sent me to a different hospital out of state that had a NICU. It was so emotional for me. I have been away from husband for so long and now I am going out of state! I became depressed. If I wasn't hooked up to an I.V. and nurses making me eat and watching my every move I wouldn't have made it through that pregnancy. All I would eat was sunflower seeds and sprite. That was my meal. I stayed in the hospital till I gave birth to my twins which was 34 weeks.

They were so tiny. My son could not breathe on his own. My daughter needed a blood transfusion. All I could think about was I did this to them. I was told so many times the importance of eating and taking care of my babies and I failed them. I cried every night they were in the NICU because it was me that put them there. I felt God was punishing me and I knew I deserved it. They were there for 3 weeks. You think I would learn from this experience and take care of myself but I did not. I became depressed and relapsed. When I wasn't feeding the babies and taking care of them, I was eating and then getting rid of it. I now have this icky body and two kids that need me to be their everything. And I can't do that if I am fat. So the ugly cycle continues...

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Marry Me Please!!!

So Kris has asked me to marry him and I am really excited about my wedding. I know we are young but we were ready to take the plunge. Unfortunately there were a few people who were dead set on us NOT getting married. They had no encouraging words for us at all. Don't get me wrong I understand that some comments and opinions were for us to consider and understand about marriage. Are you financially prepared? Are you mentally prepared? You do know that you two will have to depend on each other and not anyone else right? Just all the questions one gets when your so young and getting married. Well, actually when anyone gets married. Anyway... These certain individuals were depressed about it and really pushing my husband against it. I never felt accepted by these people and now I am seeing that my inner fears were true. These people never did like me! If they did they would never push my future husband away from me!

I began that night when he told me about what was said and being said, to start looking even worse at myself. Seriously? What else do I have to do to get acceptance around here? I did everything I could do to stay the "perfect thin"! I barely eat and what I do eat has absolutely no nutrition value. I lived off of Dr. Pepper, crackers, candy bars and chips! If we went out to eat I would eat chicken strips or pizza. But 1 piece because that was not going to my hips! I weighed exactly 102 pounds, my BMI was 16 and my wedding dress was going to be no bigger than a 2! I was an emotional wreck!! I came from a family that was not wealthy and had to pay for most of my wedding (which I don't blame them for they did their very best for me). We were already in debt and not married! And now your telling me that these influential people in my future husbands life are pushing him to not marry me!?! :( tears :( One of the issues that was brought up was that I am emotionally unstable!

Ummm.....duh! It doesn't matter what phase in my life that I was going through, there were always a couple people that were determined to make me feel like poo! The ONE person that got me, LOVED me, ACCEPTED me for who I was, was being pushed to not be with me?? Why? Do I not deserve happiness? Am I that ugly of a person that I can't have one person love me the way I wanted to be loved? What is so horrid about me??? I remember after the last episode of comments that happened, I looked at my future hubby and said "Either you stick with the day we set and marry me or lets end this!" To this day I have regretted that statement! Because I felt that I did exactly the opposite of what everyone else was doing to him! I "pushed" him to marry me! I went into the marriage thinking that he didn't marry me for me, he married me because I gave him an ultimatum and pushed it on him. I knew I loved my husband but I could never accept that he fully loved me.

We are now married and he would have to work till late at night. It left me at home a lot by myself and I began to get addicted to watching Soap Operas. No one was faithful in the episodes, everyone was cheating, being deceitful and everything else you can think of! (If you love watching them, I am not saying you have to quit, but for someone like me these are NOT the things you watch). I began to think that Kris wasn't "really" at work he was somewhere else, or he was at work but he was with someone else. I began to push my husband away from me. I began eating when I was depressed and then throwing up because I felt guilty. When my husband was home, I would eat with him but very little. He would leave and I would be soooo hungry I would consume so much food it was ridiculous! By the time it was night I felt sick to my stomach, upset with emotion and angry that I ate so stupidly. I would look in the mirror and cry. I would tell myself this is why you are so ugly! This is why no one can love you! This is why those around you despise you! This is why you hate yourself! This is why your husband will eventually leave you!

The sad part of it all, is that I didn't even care anymore. I was not meant for anything beautiful! Marriage I always heard would be so beautiful and I heard so many talk about how much they loved married life. I wanted that so badly! I now have it but I am not worthy of it! And just like everything else it will fail me and I will be alone! I will never forget the night that I was so sick with emotions, heartache, and fear. I had thoughts of ending my life. No one would miss me, infact everyone around me would probably wonder why it took me so long to just end it. (this was not the first time that I had thought about ending my life).

The Lord was looking out for me and allowed me to just cry myself to sleep. I was so exhausted with all the throwing up I did I just didn't have the strength for anything else but to go to sleep. Well not but just a couple weeks later (mind you, my husband and I have only been married 2 months by now) ...anyway.. I started not feeling very well and yep I am sure you are thinking it......I found out that I was PREGNANT!!  Oh no!!!! Now what am I going to do????? I have always dreamt of becoming a mother! But I am not healthy enough to be a mother, I know this!!! I am excited on the outside but devastated on the inside!! In order for my baby to live, I have to eat! And would you know it, I was so tiny that on my 8 week checkup they were able to see the baby on the ultrasound! Except I didn't have one baby I am going to be a mother of TWINS!!!!!!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


Today is a short post because it has been an exhausting and very emotional day for me. Let's just say I did not eat till 3:30 this afternoon and I consumed maybe 500 calories. I am so struggling! I just didn't realize how hard this is! I am so aware of things that I was blinded to and I can barely breathe through it all! As I was driving home today God put the first song on the radio to help me! It was so perfect and his timing was amazing! I cried through it all! And the second song he put on there was to let me know that he is taking care of me through my husband as well and I have got to let go! Lord, I hear you, its just so hard! :(

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Bulimia begins....

I want to explain to you that there are many different forms of Bulimia. I will definitely fill you in on the different types, as I have learned how to adapt to each one. Most know of the type that consists of eating and then throwing up later so that they don't gain any weight. I have been this type off and on through out my life. For me I was at a perfect weight and in order for me to maintain that weight I would eat and then shortly after I would throw up. I have used all kinds of ways to get rid of it. There is taking your toothbrush and putting it just far enough back that my gag reflexes would kick in and then "yes the damage is coming undone". I would use my finger as well to help me when my toothbrush wasn't close. My gag reflex got easier and easier the more I did it. It finally got to a point that I could mentally make myself sick without the help of anything. I would eat and then in my mind say "Aundrea, this is going to make your stomach upset you really shouldn't have eaten it." I would dwell on this for at least 30 minutes and before long I would start feeling nauseous. I would then collectively leave and get to the bathroom just in time to throw it all up.

I am thinking "Sweet, I can control this to where I can now do it in other places rather than just my home." Look at me....I am thinking this nasty habit is something pretty clever! Unfortunately for me, I began doing it so much that it became uncontrollable at one point. I remember going out with my senior class after homecoming dance. We would go after the dances to Shoney's and eat breakfast because it was late at night! I remember being hungry and eating a fair amount of food. I was dating my husband at the time and this dude could eat! LOL He was tiny and could have fourths and not gain a who knows! (And yes I was jealous of it, I had to stinkin' get rid of my junky food in order to stay skinny....) Anyway, I remember that I was fixing to get in his car for him to take me home and out of nowhere I just "threw up" all over his clothes.... :( that was not romantic at all! I just knew right then that he was going to dump me. I mean who does that?? Seriously?

I couldn't believe I couldn't control it. Well no matter how embarrassing that was for me, God used it for good. He made Kris aware of my issue. Thankfully he did not dump me, instead he started to watch my habits and take notice of the way I treat food and where I go after I eat food. I had no clue he was being so observant of my habits. If I did I am pretty positive I would have tried to cover it up better. During this time he proposed to me. I was so excited about it!! but it came with a price. The price was not given to me till a few months later. He caught on to my disappearing acts, my frequent bathroom breaks (haha for a second there I almost put "potty" breaks! LOL life of a mother) anyway, he told me that he loved me but if I did not stop making myself puke he would NOT marry me.

Of course denial sets in and I try to convince him he was crazy! But that didn't work. He was serious and he had my love and I couldn't stand for the one person in my life that loved me for me, to leave. So I slowly stopped with his help and his patience "I" conquered throwing up after I eat! He was excited that we beat this together and it was over he thought ...............

Monday, February 20, 2012


Before I start and let you into my life, I want you to understand that I am going to let you in on some personal things and the way my mind works. Please do not be offended, upset or think you can't approach me. I am very sincere about my friendships and my relationships. I struggle with acceptance and sometimes understanding of why you would want to be my friend. I go in with the mindset that I can love people but understand that they can't really love all of me. And this is what God is trying to help me with, because I unfortunately do the same with God. Yeah he loves me but he can't possibly love all of me. I despise his creation of food because it does absolutely nothing but make me angry and feel ugly. So he must despise me for that.

When looking back trying to figure out where this all started for me I was lead to one significant incident. I want you to know that I will not say specific names because there is no reason to. As I am struggling with the growing up of my two girls I started to realize that they are really in tuned with how the world views their bodies as well as unfortunately their mother. That made me not only feel like the worse mother ever but it also helped me pinpoint when I started to care about how I looked. We all go through that horrible ugly stage where our hair is never right, our makeup looks like a clown (but we think we are hot stuff ;) , the drag of wearing braces your whole teenage life and our body is forming all these weird parts!  I remember the first day I was teased that I had not yet received "boobs"! I remember out of embarrassment I laughed it off like "I don't really care, I am happy I don't have them." I went home thinking constantly about why didn't I have boobs? Was I deformed? Are they really that important? Will people always make fun of me and call me names because I don't? In all honesty, most of us ladies would be happy without them because oh my goodness the pain it causes in all areas! But its part of God's beautiful plan to help us nurture our sweet children so I will take them :) Anyway. I started to dwell on the things that I still had not yet received. I began to look at others and envy what they did have. But then it turned to an obsession. I would look at how the popular girls would dress, how the girls and especially the boys would treat them. I would listen to how they would talk and their likes and dislikes. Well of course I don't want to have any of the dislikes and you start to be obsessed of trying to do everything you can to fit in.

This happens to us all and I understand that but the turning point for me is when the closeness of someone you love decides that they don't think you are good enough for anyone and they constantly remind you of how physically ugly you are. I am just a young girl trying to figure out my new body and my weird teeth.  It started with small comments such as "you look very ugly this morning" "if you were my kid you would never have a right to anything" "I don't want you at my house""I am surprised that boy likes you".  It then went to threats of discipline. I couldn't speak without them yelling at me and making me feel so unworthy of anything and so very ugly. On special holidays everyone would receive a gift and I would not. I tried everything to get this person's approval. What changed about me? Why didn't they love me anymore? Did my appearance really make the difference on why they wouldn't accept me? I must really be this ugly person. This person influenced many around and they avoided me and desired no relationship with me whatsoever.

Let me tell you when someone who everyone loves and wants to be around all the time, wants absolutely nothing to do with you...... it hurts. I began to only focus on the negatives on what they and other people would say. I may have dressed completely retarded one day or mismatched because I was in a hurry and someone noticed and pointed it out. I wouldn't even think about how they were right about it. I would only focus on they don't like me in this color, they think I look fat in this outfit, I can't wear this type of brand any more, this color, ect.... They won't accept me or like me till I get rid of it. But if I was complimented on a color or brand then you can guarantee I was gonna shop and by clothes in that color or brand because it was acceptable. I wasn't made fun of when I wore that color so I must look ok? There wasn't a negative comment when I wore it really? hmm ... I better not change it then. I have no doubts with those of you I am close to, you could probably name the colors I love to wear or style I prefer. :/ I have had some say "Why don't you try wearing yellow?" Your skin would look great in it and you could pull it off..... I tell you "You really think so? Hmm maybe I will try it.. thanks your too sweet" but in my mind I am saying "Yellow, really? If you would have heard the comments I have received the last time I wore yellow, you wouldn't ask me to wear it." or "Are they being serious or just trying to hurt me because they know I would look absolutely hideous in that color, I know I have been told". Then for the next couple hours all I think about is why would they suggest a color I know looks so ugly on me. It makes me look HUGE! I feel like a bumblebee! Seriously? They are trying to hurt me :( and I thought they were my friend. I would never suggest a color to them I know they would look horrible in.

Even if the compliment and suggestion was true, in my mind I couldn't receive it. I then allow my mind to convince me that I need to change my appearance so that it somehow and one day could be a compliment. I start to brainstorm on how can I change my look to make that person right? Well when your thin everything looks better, hmmmmm I know the perfect thing that keeps me from being what I want! It is the source of all my problems! Its why I am ugly and not portioned the right way! Sometimes it makes me feel great but the majority of the time it makes me depressed and I hate it! Its a curse because no matter how bad you want to avoid it or get rid of it, you have to have it to live ....................................... FOOD

Sunday, February 19, 2012


I started this blog as something that would hold me accountable for the journey and the decisions that I will make in my life. I am a Christian woman who has prayed multiple times asking God to show me what I am suppose to do with my life. I didn't realize that the answer I was fixing to receive would be such a strong one. I am going to school right now and getting my Bachelor's in Religion with a Minor in Christian Counseling. I have been blessed that the classes I have been taking were helping me build a better and closer relationship with Christ. I decided to take a course in Counseling Women because I knew my heart and passion is to help other women. As I have been going through these classes God has been doing so much work on me. It amazes me how broken I was and how much time he has put into me to help me get better. I am thinking "sweet God is fixing me up and I am gonna be exactly who he wants me to be". I thought I was at the peak of all I could learn and then whammo he shows me that I am really still just at the beginning.

I am thinking really? Lord. I thought I was learning well and doing what I was suppose to be doing? I am doing prayer journals and quiet time with you, Bible reading, praying throughout the day; I am teaching my kids at home but biblically based and being the Godly wife that I am suppose to be. I think of others and give my time selflessly. I give my all to our local church, and yet I am still at the beginning? He was like "yes my dear". He made sure I felt his love and appreciation for all I have done already. But what he really wanted was all of "me".  I thought I was giving him all of me till I asked him to show me what he was referring to. And when you ask God be ready because he will give it to you trust me on that! Wow was I hit with a light bulb moment and not a fun one at all. What he revealed to me was that I have a serious disorder called "Bulimia".

Me? No way! I have been down that road before and know that I have conquered it! "I" conquered it. Then I thought about what I said? Wait "I" conquered it? How? I was ignorant in how serious this disorder is.

Bulimia is a compulsive eating (binge) followed by self-induced purging by vomiting, laxatives, diuretics, fasting, enemas, excessive exercise to control weight. Out of control eating and fear of gaining weight. I tend to show mood stability and impulse control problems.  My symptoms that occur at least twice a week are:

Gastric distress
Skin irritations
Electrolyte disturbances
Low Potassium
Sensitivity to cold
Low pulse and temperature
Hair loss
Weakness and anxiety
Low blood sugar
Dizziness and Numbness to my body
Reduced ability to concentrate

Other things I have experienced on a continual basis is:

Large weight fluctuations whether I go up or down and its usually 10 pounds

I have impulsive, poorly controlled episodes of binge-eating.
I will consume high calorie foods in excessive quantities then feel uncomfortable and disgusted after I do. I will then do a chronic or sporadic diet or just fasting. I withdrawal socially from people because I don't like how I feel about myself. I know they must think the same thing of me that I feel about myself. That in turn will cause me to be depressed and have anxiety or panic attacks. I start avoiding my daily chores as a wife, mother, friend...ect. I have very low self esteem and know that everyone sees it or senses it so they avoid me.

This brings me to the point of my blog. I am a mother of 5, a happily married woman of 11 years and a strong believer in Jesus Christ. But I am still human. I still fail and fall just as anyone else. I need to beat this disease. I have two gorgeous girls and I do not want them to worry about the things that I constantly worry about. I need accountability to do better for them. I am determined to write everyday as I journey through this and defeat it! It will be a long process. I will be very descriptive in how I describe what I think throughout the day and how this disease can take over ones mind. I want people to understand the daily fight one has with food and image. This journal is going to take you into the mind of a Bulimic person and how different they think than those who don't have this disease. Please be in prayer for me! I will explain how I got this disease and how real it really is. I have been battling this for 15 years. Its time to say goodbye and change so that I can be the woman of God that he has planned for me to be!