Tuesday, April 10, 2012


I have been dwelling on a word that was said to me many days ago. I started researching this word and trying to grasp a better understanding of it. The reason being is because I have used this word so many times yet the results of it was never the same as the one who told me. Its not about getting this individuals results, (not why I am fixated on it) , but having that word said with meaning is what I desire. I am sure you want to know what this word is and it will probably surprise you. I have no doubts most are like me and use this word so loosely without really understanding the real definition of it. I am excited about what I have learned about it and have the faith that when I finally say it, the meaning will be exactly what it is!!

OK so what is this word? DETERMINATION

I know for myself I have said it millions of times! I am determined to do this, I am determined to do that, I am determined to show this person this, or I am determined to make this goal met. But what happens 90% of the time after we say this word? It starts out great right? For a couple weeks its strong and great but then it slowly fades. It is rare that it can make it to a couple months. But then it wears off and the determination fades. The excuses come and the ups and downs of life detour us away from our so called "determination" status.

Determination means: the act of deciding definitely and firmly. It is DEFINITE and needs to be a FIRM decision. 

When you say your determined to do something then there should be nothing to detour you from it. If you are determined to reach others for Christ through a ministry, then NOTHING should detour you from it. If you are determined to pray, study the word and have a quiet time with the Lord, then NOTHING should detour you from it. If you are determined to be set apart from this world and have others see nothing but Jesus through you, then NOTHING should detour you from it. If you are determined to live a healthy life, exercise, and honor your body as God wants you to, then NOTHING should detour you from it. 

Yes life will throw us obstacles, and we will take some tumbles but the firm and definite decision that we have made will encourage us to be stronger in that decision. Satan is going to attack you at your weakest moments! I know that sometimes Jesus allows us to get to our lowest points sometimes but when we do, we find Him in all the answers to our problems. His determination, love and hope for us gives us an awesome boost to rise up out of that weakness. We must understand that the devil will attack us while we are down there and we need to keep in our hearts and mind that if we allow that detour to overtake us then our "determination" was not a heartfelt decision. And he will prevail over our victory. We will get back to our ways and feel the empty void we started with. 

Determination is a very strong and powerful word. It is a word I now see in a totally new light and will never take this word lightly again. My desire and prayer is that this word will help change my life in the positive way it is suppose to. I am forever grateful to the one who mentioned this word to me!

Dear Heavenly Father, 
I want to thank you so much for dying on the cross for my sins and everyone else sin. I pray Lord that you give me the desire and passion to have "determination" in everything that I do. Help me when I fall at my weak moments to know that you are still there and I need to seek you and take that moment and channel it as a lesson. Help me to never forget while things are going great that it is only because of your will and determination of me that it is. Help those reading this blog, get a better understanding of this word and that it isn't used as loosely as we have. I thank you and praise you for everything that you are!! In your precious and Holy Name, Amen. 

What the bible says about determination: 

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 ESV

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

2 Timothy 4:7 ESV 

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith

Romans 12:1-2 ESV /

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

An example of someone who had "determination"

Ruth 1:16-18 ESV 

But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.” And when Naomi saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more.


Monday, April 2, 2012


Today was a great and fun day! We celebrated my twins 11th birthday! I can not believe how much they have grown up. I sat back to reflect on their lives and I am in awe of what God is doing with the sweeties that he has blessed me to raise. Just feeling blessed today! This may sound weird but it actually made me wanna hit the topic of diversion. Another type of consequence.

Diversion means:
1. The act or an instance of diverting or turning aside; deviation.
2. Something that distracts the mind and relaxes or entertains.
3. A maneuver that draws the attention of an opponent away from a planned point of action

I believe with all my heart that I use my children sometimes as a diversion to keep me from having to do a lot of social things. It can be my safe haven. When times feel overwhelming or trying.. I start to hide away in my home. No one sees me here. I can be me. I can do what I want and feel the way I want and there is no worries ever. My children distract my mind on a continual basis. For example: Every Thursday we go to choir practice and then I do Zumba. I love singing and I love dancing (even though I do not do them well). I just didn't want to get out that day. I was enjoying my laziness and wanted an excuse to not go. I also knew I just didn't eat well or drink the right amount of water to do Zumba. Anyway my son has really bad allergies and to me he looked pitiful. His eyes were swollen and itchy looking. So I asked him if he would like to stay home with momma and just relax and get better. He looked at me like I was crazy! He was not going to miss out on hanging at church and with his friends. Well there went my thought out diversion! Stink! If I don't go it would be just because I am lazy. I don't want to lie to people on why I wasn't there, so it looks like I need to get up and just go! I knew that it was important for me to stay committed to both those things I enjoy doing. And when I get there I am glad I went. But I struggle with my mind on attending and doing a lot of things!!! These moments come more often than I like.

I know as a mother my children should be on my mind a lot and it should be because of the way that I raise them as Godly beings. But it sometimes can be more of a distraction or a diversion.

This is a consequence that I need to really work on. Another example is this blog. I can easily be drawn away from it and not focus on writing it. I make excuses why I don't have the time or that it doesn't really matter. But that is just another mind battle I face. The thing I am learning through this blog process is breaking down each consequence and putting examples out that show me that I use them in a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. I do have issues that I need to work on. I can take them on as long as I give them to God and go straight to his scriptures to find healing.  It is helping me fight it when it happens.

The devil doesn't like it because I am now taking ownership of my disease and the consequences I face. I am human and fail and don't always let God have it 100%. And I can definitely tell the difference when I do.

I have to include some passages that I found encouraging to help me get pass this diversion curse I seem to trap myself in a lot!

1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Psalm 119:15 ESV

I will meditate on your precepts and fix my eyes on your ways.

Philippians 4:8 ESV 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Live Like That!

Wow has it been a while since I have blogged. In all honesty it started with the flu, then the recovery and then just got to the rebellious and laziness on my part. I have such amazing supporters that encouraged me to not let the devil take this blog from me and so here I am blogging again :) 

Today has been a challenging day for me. I have had many positive and negative responses to the start of this blog. Let me just say that God works in such an amazing way! I am in awe with what he is doing in my life and how open with my soul I have to be in order for me to actually grasp it! He is addicting and I kept thinking all day..... "I want more of this attention Lord that you are graciously giving me!" (let me specify that its not attention from others I seek, its solely his)  This verse from Philippians 2:3 helps me "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself." I have such a long journey ahead of me and I am weak already and the battle has just begun. The positive thing about this journey is that I am NOT taking it alone. Jesus has shown me everyday a glimpse of his presence. His strength, comfort, love and understanding. I must tell you that when you open up the skeletal closet and say, "Lord I give this all to you", he takes it in an instance and allows you the instance peace that he is now in control and will fight the battle for you. I am sorry but with such an amazing Father on my side, I already feel that I can conquer this with him. I must share my prayer with you as I was to begun this blog:

Lord, I opened up my scary nightmare for others to see and I am ashamed and embarrassed by it. I regret even doing it! I can't hide it anymore and that terrifies me to death. I beat myself up about this whole thing every time it pops into my head. There are people who don't understand me and want to fix me quickly, or think there is no possible way that she is this because I "know" her, or I think she just does it for attention, or push others to have overwhelming feelings towards me.  I am not ready for this type of attention. I am not ready for this type of accountability. I am not ready for the questions. I am not ready for the letdowns! I am just not ready! I don't want the ones I love the most to turn away from me because of this challenge I am facing. Help me to take this by your hand and do with it as you have me to do. Let it be through your glory and love that I overcome this. Let those who are hurting, in the same situation as I, or have loved ones they are trying to reach out to see that there is hope and it comes by giving it all to you. Help me to stop worrying about everyone else and the way they view or see me. Help me to just focus on restoring my health and mind. Because until it is I can't be the complete wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend that you have always wanted me to be. You are my rock and on you will I build up my family. I love and praise you for all that you are and continue to be for me. Bless each and every person that reads this and let them only see you being glorified through it all! In your precious and Holy Name I pray!!! AMEN.

I started really thinking hard today in my alone time about the challenges ahead but like I have told you before God uses songs of worship to sometimes get his answers and comfort across to me! I was having the feelings that I just didn't understand why I felt the need or urge to tell people. Was I tricked into doing it? Did the devil want to show people who I really am? You know he is constantly attacking me but in all honesty the moment I tell him that the Lord Jesus Christ is on my side and he better run because the Lord is going to give him a good butt kicking!! He runs :) HAHA! Like he should!! I need to keep my mind open and clean away of his ugliness. But we are human and fall so many times. Thankfully God is ALWAYS there to pick us up! All of these thoughts start growing in my mind. And in the midst of it all Jesus put this song on the radio and it was to remind me of why he wants me to do it.

Let me also end with a great quote I read while I was studying in my Church Missions class!

"Circumstances can never change a heart. Circumstances can put great or little pressure on the decision maker, but they only provide the environment in which a change heart takes place! But circumstances can never change a heart." - Ben Gutierrez

That is why the change of heart can only happen when you give it completely up to God!  

Sunday, March 11, 2012


The next word I looked up on Wikipedia was: 

Minimization is a type of deception involving denial coupled with rationalization in situations where complete denial is implausible. It is the opposite of exaggeration.

Minimization is one of the most common ways we reduce our feelings of guilt..."It's not that big of a deal" Words associated with minimization include:

  • downplaying
  • euphemism 
  • making light of 

  • minification
  • trivializing
  • understating  
 I didn't realize how much I used this word!

I actually used this word a lot while I have had the flu.

"Well I have a fever and just don't feel well. So it is ok if I don't eat anything." "People are suppose to lose weight when they have the flu." "If you eat you will just get sick, so your not really hurting yourself. You are actually saving yourself from many trips to the toilet.""My throat is sore and I can't taste anything anyway, so what is the point?" This is just a few of the thoughts that have ran through my head in the past few days.

In reality there are many things that I could be doing to help get the nutrition I need while I am sick with the flu. I just lack the desire and want. I have been drinking tons of water but that is it.

I don't just do this when I am sick. Although it is while I am sick it shines brightly. I am always downplaying what I do to a level that I think sounds reasonable and doable. The sad thing is that it is not healthy or wise. It is a mindset that I need to get rid of! But will take A LOT of work! This is going to be my first step in reprogramming my mind.

With the examples I gave before I needed to be thinking, "I do have a fever but my stomach isn't upset, eat and give yourself some nutrients to fight back." "You do not use the flu as a way to lose weight." "True you may get sick, but than you may not and actually build yourself some strength to get better."  "Bummer I can't taste this but I need it to get better."

Why can't I think like that? Why does it take me concentration and time to develop those thoughts? This is where I really want to focus and work on :)

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Saving Me...

It has been a very hard week for me. I can't tell you how long it has been since I have had the flu! A good idea might be that when I went to get the 1 theraflu I knew I had left, it had expired in 2008! So that didn't help me! HA!

It has been such a bummer that I have had to spend all Saturday in bed with toilet paper, cough drops, Dayquil, covers, water and loads of pillows by me! When I wasn't sleeping I was feeling like someone was sitting on my head and wouldn't get off! I woke up around 5:30 p.m. and asked my husband for something to eat. I was able to eat a PB & J sandwich but not tasting any of it. That was weird. I have tried to keep plenty of water in my system so that I don't become dehydrated. I can tell that I am borderline. Why because I get this way many times to often. I can sense my body needs food but I just don't have the energy and longing to eat. I feel horrible. I remember people telling me during my morning sickness that eating actually helps it go away. (oh no no no no, it does nothing but make me wanna hurl, yuck) were they right.....probably. It worked for them. I know everyone is different and it might have worked for me and then again might not have but I shouldn't have just turned them off. Why does everyone think food is the solution?

After eating my sandwich I decided to open up the book that was given to me. I have completed the first 5 chapters and can see how some of the mindsets she has placed in her life are ways that I need to consider!

There have been a couple things that have caught my attention. I didn't know about the acronym HALT. She said you should consider asking yourself before eating are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. (others that are not part of it is Depressed, Guilty, PMS, Thirsty, Stress, Discouraged or Wounded.) I am sure we can relate to so many of these reasons on why we eat the way we do or when we eat the most. I understand and relate to her there. But my questions are what if you DONT eat because of those acronyms? That is what is hard for me? Those are the answers I am seeking.

Last night my husband got BBQ and all the kids got the same thing except for my youngest daughter. She got a plain Baked Potato because everything else they had contains soy or wheat. She is allergic to that so we have got to try and stay away from pretty much all processed foods, breads, pasta, candy... the list goes on. I often wonder why God gave me a daughter with "food" allergies. Since her diagnosis I have tried changing the way our family eats. We (ok not we, but "my husband") cooks a lot more at home and have turned from most process foods. I fail at the I don't have time so let me pop this in the oven and in about 20 minutes your food will be ready! ;-/ I am praying that God helps me through that. Especially once my husband leaves for a few months. Anyway.

I remember when my daughter was first diagnosed I told her I would not eat anything that she couldn't. It was very hard for me to indulge in something knowing she can't physically have it. (When I do eat what she can't I fall into a sense of guilt) What love of food she had was stripped from her. Although the doctor says she is too old now to out grow these allergies there is always a possibility. As I read this book God sheds light to me that through my daughter he is also fixing me. He knows the love/hate relationship I have with food. He knows the struggles I deal with on a daily basis. And now that my daughter has to be given fresh meals and special foods I am staring my fear and issue right in the face!

Oh my goodness! Lord!?? Do you know what you are asking of me? You want me to prepare meals and cook?! I despise it! It stresses me out! I am prone to having it perfect! Give me a picture and if it doesn't look like that I throw the food away! I get angry! And now? you are asking of me to be hands on in our meals! PANIC MODE!!

How am I going to do this? I know that I have to do it! I am a momma bear when it comes to my children and I will protect them and give them whatever I can when it is asked of me. (Now I am not talking about my kids bossing me around I am their servant... um no I don't work that way) I am talking about life. My daughter has special needs and she needs a healthy mother to supply and help her with those needs. I look at her and just cry sometimes because she is so young and having to go through such a big change is so hard for her and (selfishly) me too :(

I can sulk and cry and throw all kinds of questions at God but I am not going to! What I am going to do is sit down and take those large amount of cookbooks I bought just for her and find recipes I know she will enjoy. I need to incorporate her way of eating into all of our lives. I need to organize a shopping list and just go do it! If you think about it, is a healthier way to eat. Take away the process foods and the gluten that makes food plumpier or last longer is gone. All you have left to eat is the natural foods that God created in the first place.

God has a mysterious way sometimes in the things that he does. My daughter asked me a few weeks ago... "Momma, why me? Why did God pick me to be allergic to food?" and I quietly told her that "God has his reasons and his ways, and although we may not see it now he has a huge plan for it." She said "Mom I just wish I could see what it was, because I do miss the food that I can't have." and I cried saying "I know sweetheart you do but you are going to feel so much better eating what doesn't harm you and will have a great testimony someday to share with others." She said "Ok" we hugged and cried and then she went off to play.

And as  I look at my daughter I cry thinking "If she only knew that she is saving me."

Two of the goodies I saw while reading my book:

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Excited about this book!

My brain is so tired from all the school papers, tests, lectures and so forth! I am looking forward to my spring break this next week! Whoo Hoo! I have so much planned I hope I get to fit it all in! One thing I know I want to do is read something I am not made to read! Although I have enjoyed reading these books in class I really want to do some luxury reading where I don't have to worry about being tested! I was given a book last week that just made me so excited! It was from a very sweet friend whom I have gotten close to just in the last 6 months! LOVE HER!! She put inside the book some encouraging verses as I read it! I can't wait to see the little surprises in it! The book is by Candace Cameron Bure! Yep the girl from Full House! LOVED that show!

She offers advice to those who struggle with food issues. She battled so many. She used her Christian faith and God's grace to get her through it all! One thing she said on the back of the book is

"I knew who God was, but I still hadn't grasped who I was in His sight" - Candace Cameron Bure

...She said it perfectly!!!! Why am I caring what sight I am to everyone else? The only one that matters is God. His opinion and sight is the only one that matters! I need this mentality and I am encouraged to see how she beat this ugly sickness. I can't wait to fill you in on what I discover within myself through her and God's light as I read it! If you are interested as well, I encourage you to read it with me :)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


I am sorry I have not been posting everyday like I promised I would. We were blessed with the flu bug and it has taken ALOT out of me! 4 out of 5 kiddos had fever today and I wasn't doing so-so. However I did manage to finish up one of my school courses today. I was thankful that I had plenty of downtime to do it. Sadly it was because my spunky kiddos were just really laid back and quiet. Today we pretty much lounged all day. We have laid in my bed together for most of the day. We have chitchatted and played games. I was able to have great conversations with my daughters and as well as my sons. I never thought I would be thankful for a flu bug but I must say this quarantine has been so nice. I was able to bond with my children. I realized I missed them! I haven't been spending the time I needed to with my sweeties! They grow up fast enough and I don't want to miss out on anything!

I got lost in the hustle and bustle of things lately. I have been trying so hard to please people that I lost who I really am! Why am I spending time trying to please people? I should be spending my time with my children, husband and God. Wait?! Let me put that in the right order. I should be spending time with God, my husband and my children. I have overwhelmed myself with things that do not matter. Friendships yes they matter and that's not what I am talking about. I am talking about petty things I have let come into my life. I have a friend who means the WORLD to me!! She, with her loving heart talked to me about how I have been lately. I have been let's face it ..... AN EMOTIONAL WRECK. I have done exactly two of things that are a social consequence of mine! I started isolating myself from people especially the ones closest to me. I start feeling that they don't have my best interest at heart. I think they are out to get me and pick on me. Its such an ugly thought and feeling. I am a happy person who loves people. Not this emotional wreck who is in constant worry about everything! Where is my joy? That is what is missing! My JOY!!! It is because I have not let Jesus be the center of my life lately. I was scared and feeling shameful. I pushed my family away. I don't understand why this vicious cycle keeps happening over and over again?

Because the devil won't let me be! He is angry with me for trying to get out of this nasty bondage! He doesn't want me to seek help. He doesn't want me to get better. Why? Because it hurts my growth as a Christian. He is scared of me and who I will become if I beat this!! That just gives me that much more encouragement to beat this crap! I have felt the prayers from you and it is what has helped me get through this past week. I have been able to mend a few relationships and move on past this ickiness I am in. I am going to seek professional help. I fought against this because I thought that means I am a failure. But its the complete opposite. It means I am a winner for getting the help I need! Please be in prayer as I search for the perfect counselor to help me surpass this dungeon I am in. 

Many Blessings,

Thought this song was perfect!