Thursday, February 23, 2012

Marry Me Please!!!

So Kris has asked me to marry him and I am really excited about my wedding. I know we are young but we were ready to take the plunge. Unfortunately there were a few people who were dead set on us NOT getting married. They had no encouraging words for us at all. Don't get me wrong I understand that some comments and opinions were for us to consider and understand about marriage. Are you financially prepared? Are you mentally prepared? You do know that you two will have to depend on each other and not anyone else right? Just all the questions one gets when your so young and getting married. Well, actually when anyone gets married. Anyway... These certain individuals were depressed about it and really pushing my husband against it. I never felt accepted by these people and now I am seeing that my inner fears were true. These people never did like me! If they did they would never push my future husband away from me!

I began that night when he told me about what was said and being said, to start looking even worse at myself. Seriously? What else do I have to do to get acceptance around here? I did everything I could do to stay the "perfect thin"! I barely eat and what I do eat has absolutely no nutrition value. I lived off of Dr. Pepper, crackers, candy bars and chips! If we went out to eat I would eat chicken strips or pizza. But 1 piece because that was not going to my hips! I weighed exactly 102 pounds, my BMI was 16 and my wedding dress was going to be no bigger than a 2! I was an emotional wreck!! I came from a family that was not wealthy and had to pay for most of my wedding (which I don't blame them for they did their very best for me). We were already in debt and not married! And now your telling me that these influential people in my future husbands life are pushing him to not marry me!?! :( tears :( One of the issues that was brought up was that I am emotionally unstable!

Ummm.....duh! It doesn't matter what phase in my life that I was going through, there were always a couple people that were determined to make me feel like poo! The ONE person that got me, LOVED me, ACCEPTED me for who I was, was being pushed to not be with me?? Why? Do I not deserve happiness? Am I that ugly of a person that I can't have one person love me the way I wanted to be loved? What is so horrid about me??? I remember after the last episode of comments that happened, I looked at my future hubby and said "Either you stick with the day we set and marry me or lets end this!" To this day I have regretted that statement! Because I felt that I did exactly the opposite of what everyone else was doing to him! I "pushed" him to marry me! I went into the marriage thinking that he didn't marry me for me, he married me because I gave him an ultimatum and pushed it on him. I knew I loved my husband but I could never accept that he fully loved me.

We are now married and he would have to work till late at night. It left me at home a lot by myself and I began to get addicted to watching Soap Operas. No one was faithful in the episodes, everyone was cheating, being deceitful and everything else you can think of! (If you love watching them, I am not saying you have to quit, but for someone like me these are NOT the things you watch). I began to think that Kris wasn't "really" at work he was somewhere else, or he was at work but he was with someone else. I began to push my husband away from me. I began eating when I was depressed and then throwing up because I felt guilty. When my husband was home, I would eat with him but very little. He would leave and I would be soooo hungry I would consume so much food it was ridiculous! By the time it was night I felt sick to my stomach, upset with emotion and angry that I ate so stupidly. I would look in the mirror and cry. I would tell myself this is why you are so ugly! This is why no one can love you! This is why those around you despise you! This is why you hate yourself! This is why your husband will eventually leave you!

The sad part of it all, is that I didn't even care anymore. I was not meant for anything beautiful! Marriage I always heard would be so beautiful and I heard so many talk about how much they loved married life. I wanted that so badly! I now have it but I am not worthy of it! And just like everything else it will fail me and I will be alone! I will never forget the night that I was so sick with emotions, heartache, and fear. I had thoughts of ending my life. No one would miss me, infact everyone around me would probably wonder why it took me so long to just end it. (this was not the first time that I had thought about ending my life).

The Lord was looking out for me and allowed me to just cry myself to sleep. I was so exhausted with all the throwing up I did I just didn't have the strength for anything else but to go to sleep. Well not but just a couple weeks later (mind you, my husband and I have only been married 2 months by now) ...anyway.. I started not feeling very well and yep I am sure you are thinking it......I found out that I was PREGNANT!!  Oh no!!!! Now what am I going to do????? I have always dreamt of becoming a mother! But I am not healthy enough to be a mother, I know this!!! I am excited on the outside but devastated on the inside!! In order for my baby to live, I have to eat! And would you know it, I was so tiny that on my 8 week checkup they were able to see the baby on the ultrasound! Except I didn't have one baby I am going to be a mother of TWINS!!!!!!


  1. I am soo sorry you have had to endure this,and still do.Without the throwing up part this sounds scaryly like me. almost ended my life as a teen several times. had 5 different ways picked out. My problem was a deep fear of failure. Feared I would live through an attempt so I never went through with it. Thank God He used that fear!
    Exercised all the time to stay thin. tore muscles in the process and now I can hardly do anything!
    You are so brave to speak out about all of this.I know that God will not let you out of his tight grip through it all even though you may feel yourself slipping away.
    You inspire me.

  2. I am so sorry Alli that you have to relate to this! It is such a scary thing and I don't think a lot of people really grasp how serious it really is. Our mind can be such an evil thing! I thank God that he has been watching over me and you during those very dark moments! I am even more thankful that I am closer to him now and know that I can dependently lean on him through it! I will be in prayer for you that you will be able to give your testimony to help other women as well and that you don't ever slip back into those ugly moments!! I am blessed to have you as such a dear friend! I love you my dear!!