Today has been a challenging day for me. I have had many positive and negative responses to the start of this blog. Let me just say that God works in such an amazing way! I am in awe with what he is doing in my life and how open with my soul I have to be in order for me to actually grasp it! He is addicting and I kept thinking all day..... "I want more of this attention Lord that you are graciously giving me!" (let me specify that its not attention from others I seek, its solely his) This verse from Philippians 2:3 helps me "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself." I have such a long journey ahead of me and I am weak already and the battle has just begun. The positive thing about this journey is that I am NOT taking it alone. Jesus has shown me everyday a glimpse of his presence. His strength, comfort, love and understanding. I must tell you that when you open up the skeletal closet and say, "Lord I give this all to you", he takes it in an instance and allows you the instance peace that he is now in control and will fight the battle for you. I am sorry but with such an amazing Father on my side, I already feel that I can conquer this with him. I must share my prayer with you as I was to begun this blog:
Lord, I opened up my scary nightmare for others to see and I am ashamed and embarrassed by it. I regret even doing it! I can't hide it anymore and that terrifies me to death. I beat myself up about this whole thing every time it pops into my head. There are people who don't understand me and want to fix me quickly, or think there is no possible way that she is this because I "know" her, or I think she just does it for attention, or push others to have overwhelming feelings towards me. I am not ready for this type of attention. I am not ready for this type of accountability. I am not ready for the questions. I am not ready for the letdowns! I am just not ready! I don't want the ones I love the most to turn away from me because of this challenge I am facing. Help me to take this by your hand and do with it as you have me to do. Let it be through your glory and love that I overcome this. Let those who are hurting, in the same situation as I, or have loved ones they are trying to reach out to see that there is hope and it comes by giving it all to you. Help me to stop worrying about everyone else and the way they view or see me. Help me to just focus on restoring my health and mind. Because until it is I can't be the complete wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend that you have always wanted me to be. You are my rock and on you will I build up my family. I love and praise you for all that you are and continue to be for me. Bless each and every person that reads this and let them only see you being glorified through it all! In your precious and Holy Name I pray!!! AMEN.
I started really thinking hard today in my alone time about the challenges ahead but like I have told you before God uses songs of worship to sometimes get his answers and comfort across to me! I was having the feelings that I just didn't understand why I felt the need or urge to tell people. Was I tricked into doing it? Did the devil want to show people who I really am? You know he is constantly attacking me but in all honesty the moment I tell him that the Lord Jesus Christ is on my side and he better run because the Lord is going to give him a good butt kicking!! He runs :) HAHA! Like he should!! I need to keep my mind open and clean away of his ugliness. But we are human and fall so many times. Thankfully God is ALWAYS there to pick us up! All of these thoughts start growing in my mind. And in the midst of it all Jesus put this song on the radio and it was to remind me of why he wants me to do it.
Let me also end with a great quote I read while I was studying in my Church Missions class!
"Circumstances can never change a heart. Circumstances can put great or little pressure on the decision maker, but they only provide the environment in which a change heart takes place! But circumstances can never change a heart." - Ben Gutierrez
That is why the change of heart can only happen when you give it completely up to God!