I started this blog as something that would hold me accountable for the journey and the decisions that I will make in my life. I am a Christian woman who has prayed multiple times asking God to show me what I am suppose to do with my life. I didn't realize that the answer I was fixing to receive would be such a strong one. I am going to school right now and getting my Bachelor's in Religion with a Minor in Christian Counseling. I have been blessed that the classes I have been taking were helping me build a better and closer relationship with Christ. I decided to take a course in Counseling Women because I knew my heart and passion is to help other women. As I have been going through these classes God has been doing so much work on me. It amazes me how broken I was and how much time he has put into me to help me get better. I am thinking "sweet God is fixing me up and I am gonna be exactly who he wants me to be". I thought I was at the peak of all I could learn and then whammo he shows me that I am really still just at the beginning.
I am thinking really? Lord. I thought I was learning well and doing what I was suppose to be doing? I am doing prayer journals and quiet time with you, Bible reading, praying throughout the day; I am teaching my kids at home but biblically based and being the Godly wife that I am suppose to be. I think of others and give my time selflessly. I give my all to our local church, and yet I am still at the beginning? He was like "yes my dear". He made sure I felt his love and appreciation for all I have done already. But what he really wanted was all of "me". I thought I was giving him all of me till I asked him to show me what he was referring to. And when you ask God be ready because he will give it to you trust me on that! Wow was I hit with a light bulb moment and not a fun one at all. What he revealed to me was that I have a serious disorder called "Bulimia".
Me? No way! I have been down that road before and know that I have conquered it! "I" conquered it. Then I thought about what I said? Wait "I" conquered it? How? I was ignorant in how serious this disorder is.
Bulimia is a compulsive eating (binge) followed by self-induced purging by vomiting, laxatives, diuretics, fasting, enemas, excessive exercise to control weight. Out of control eating and fear of gaining weight. I tend to show mood stability and impulse control problems. My symptoms that occur at least twice a week are:
Sensitivity to cold
Low pulse and temperature
Weakness and anxiety
Low blood sugar
Dizziness and Numbness to my body
Reduced ability to concentrate
Other things I have experienced on a continual basis is:
Large weight fluctuations whether I go up or down and its usually 10 pounds
I have impulsive, poorly controlled episodes of binge-eating.
I will consume high calorie foods in excessive quantities then feel uncomfortable and disgusted after I do. I will then do a chronic or sporadic diet or just fasting. I withdrawal socially from people because I don't like how I feel about myself. I know they must think the same thing of me that I feel about myself. That in turn will cause me to be depressed and have anxiety or panic attacks. I start avoiding my daily chores as a wife, mother, friend...ect. I have very low self esteem and know that everyone sees it or senses it so they avoid me.
This brings me to the point of my blog. I am a mother of 5, a happily married woman of 11 years and a strong believer in Jesus Christ. But I am still human. I still fail and fall just as anyone else. I need to beat this disease. I have two gorgeous girls and I do not want them to worry about the things that I constantly worry about. I need accountability to do better for them. I am determined to write everyday as I journey through this and defeat it! It will be a long process. I will be very descriptive in how I describe what I think throughout the day and how this disease can take over ones mind. I want people to understand the daily fight one has with food and image. This journal is going to take you into the mind of a Bulimic person and how different they think than those who don't have this disease. Please be in prayer for me! I will explain how I got this disease and how real it really is. I have been battling this for 15 years. Its time to say goodbye and change so that I can be the woman of God that he has planned for me to be!