Saturday, March 10, 2012

Saving Me...

It has been a very hard week for me. I can't tell you how long it has been since I have had the flu! A good idea might be that when I went to get the 1 theraflu I knew I had left, it had expired in 2008! So that didn't help me! HA!

It has been such a bummer that I have had to spend all Saturday in bed with toilet paper, cough drops, Dayquil, covers, water and loads of pillows by me! When I wasn't sleeping I was feeling like someone was sitting on my head and wouldn't get off! I woke up around 5:30 p.m. and asked my husband for something to eat. I was able to eat a PB & J sandwich but not tasting any of it. That was weird. I have tried to keep plenty of water in my system so that I don't become dehydrated. I can tell that I am borderline. Why because I get this way many times to often. I can sense my body needs food but I just don't have the energy and longing to eat. I feel horrible. I remember people telling me during my morning sickness that eating actually helps it go away. (oh no no no no, it does nothing but make me wanna hurl, yuck) were they right.....probably. It worked for them. I know everyone is different and it might have worked for me and then again might not have but I shouldn't have just turned them off. Why does everyone think food is the solution?

After eating my sandwich I decided to open up the book that was given to me. I have completed the first 5 chapters and can see how some of the mindsets she has placed in her life are ways that I need to consider!

There have been a couple things that have caught my attention. I didn't know about the acronym HALT. She said you should consider asking yourself before eating are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. (others that are not part of it is Depressed, Guilty, PMS, Thirsty, Stress, Discouraged or Wounded.) I am sure we can relate to so many of these reasons on why we eat the way we do or when we eat the most. I understand and relate to her there. But my questions are what if you DONT eat because of those acronyms? That is what is hard for me? Those are the answers I am seeking.

Last night my husband got BBQ and all the kids got the same thing except for my youngest daughter. She got a plain Baked Potato because everything else they had contains soy or wheat. She is allergic to that so we have got to try and stay away from pretty much all processed foods, breads, pasta, candy... the list goes on. I often wonder why God gave me a daughter with "food" allergies. Since her diagnosis I have tried changing the way our family eats. We (ok not we, but "my husband") cooks a lot more at home and have turned from most process foods. I fail at the I don't have time so let me pop this in the oven and in about 20 minutes your food will be ready! ;-/ I am praying that God helps me through that. Especially once my husband leaves for a few months. Anyway.

I remember when my daughter was first diagnosed I told her I would not eat anything that she couldn't. It was very hard for me to indulge in something knowing she can't physically have it. (When I do eat what she can't I fall into a sense of guilt) What love of food she had was stripped from her. Although the doctor says she is too old now to out grow these allergies there is always a possibility. As I read this book God sheds light to me that through my daughter he is also fixing me. He knows the love/hate relationship I have with food. He knows the struggles I deal with on a daily basis. And now that my daughter has to be given fresh meals and special foods I am staring my fear and issue right in the face!

Oh my goodness! Lord!?? Do you know what you are asking of me? You want me to prepare meals and cook?! I despise it! It stresses me out! I am prone to having it perfect! Give me a picture and if it doesn't look like that I throw the food away! I get angry! And now? you are asking of me to be hands on in our meals! PANIC MODE!!

How am I going to do this? I know that I have to do it! I am a momma bear when it comes to my children and I will protect them and give them whatever I can when it is asked of me. (Now I am not talking about my kids bossing me around I am their servant... um no I don't work that way) I am talking about life. My daughter has special needs and she needs a healthy mother to supply and help her with those needs. I look at her and just cry sometimes because she is so young and having to go through such a big change is so hard for her and (selfishly) me too :(

I can sulk and cry and throw all kinds of questions at God but I am not going to! What I am going to do is sit down and take those large amount of cookbooks I bought just for her and find recipes I know she will enjoy. I need to incorporate her way of eating into all of our lives. I need to organize a shopping list and just go do it! If you think about it, is a healthier way to eat. Take away the process foods and the gluten that makes food plumpier or last longer is gone. All you have left to eat is the natural foods that God created in the first place.

God has a mysterious way sometimes in the things that he does. My daughter asked me a few weeks ago... "Momma, why me? Why did God pick me to be allergic to food?" and I quietly told her that "God has his reasons and his ways, and although we may not see it now he has a huge plan for it." She said "Mom I just wish I could see what it was, because I do miss the food that I can't have." and I cried saying "I know sweetheart you do but you are going to feel so much better eating what doesn't harm you and will have a great testimony someday to share with others." She said "Ok" we hugged and cried and then she went off to play.

And as  I look at my daughter I cry thinking "If she only knew that she is saving me."

Two of the goodies I saw while reading my book:

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