Pregnant!

So I am at the point of when I found out that I was pregnant with twins! I have to fill you on the funny part of this moment! I remember laying on the patient table and looking up at my mom and the ultrasound tech. They were both silent and staring at each other. I had just heard the baby's heartbeat before going in there so I knew that the baby was alive. But something just wasn't right by how they were acting. So I finally spoke up and said "Is something wrong? Why are you both so silent?" Then my mom says to the tech "is that two babies I see in there?" and she said "yes, ma'am it is"! I was like "WHAT!?!? twins?? are you serious? I look over at my husband and he had turn from his pinky self to a complete white as a ghost look! He was so pale the tech asked him if he was ok and if he needed to sit down? She even asked him if she should go get the doctor!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA it was priceless! I have never seen him in so much shock it actually made him turn colors! Sweet man :)

Anyway....reality starts to sink in that I am going to be a mommy. Then at 16 weeks I start bleeding at work. The nurses and the doctor prepared me and my husband and told us that we would probably lose one or both the babies. I was devastated! I was just getting to the point of understanding I was going to be a mommy and now your saying I am going to lose my children? I knew this would not be good for me physically, mentally, emotionally at all. I want you to know during this time I quit going to church. I was tired of doing the whole "church thing." So I did not lean on the Lord during this time, instead I was upset and bitter. The doctor did an ultrasound and saw both the babies and their heartbeats! He was surprised because I had loss so much blood. He told me to go see my doctor in the morning and go from there. Thankfully the babies were ok but I had to quit work and be put on pelvic rest. (Yikes, only been married 4 months and I have to be on pelvic rest, sorry babe).

I was about 20 weeks along and went into my doctors visit. He was very upset with me because I had only gained about 5 pounds since the first visit of 8 weeks pregnant. I only weighed 107 pounds. He threatened me and told me about the importance of eating for my babies and myself. I gave him all the excuses in the world. But he is a doctor and could see right through me. He was very sweet to not put me in the hospital right then, however he insisted that I have I.V. therapy for a week! It was that or the hospital. So I chose the home therapy. I stayed with my parents during this time because my husband was away. They took very good care of me and were very strict on what the doctor wanted and made me obey him. I started feeling better. I was taken off of it and feeling like a million bucks! I slowly started gaining weight but still not enough.

By the time I was 23 weeks I started contracting and was put into the hospital so they could help keep me from having the babies so early. The doctor also told me that he didn't trust me to take care of myself so the hospital was a must. I remember my Aunt was with me and promised him she would take me, otherwise he was going to have me escorted there. At 26 weeks they thought I was going into labor and sent me to a different hospital out of state that had a NICU. It was so emotional for me. I have been away from husband for so long and now I am going out of state! I became depressed. If I wasn't hooked up to an I.V. and nurses making me eat and watching my every move I wouldn't have made it through that pregnancy. All I would eat was sunflower seeds and sprite. That was my meal. I stayed in the hospital till I gave birth to my twins which was 34 weeks.

They were so tiny. My son could not breathe on his own. My daughter needed a blood transfusion. All I could think about was I did this to them. I was told so many times the importance of eating and taking care of my babies and I failed them. I cried every night they were in the NICU because it was me that put them there. I felt God was punishing me and I knew I deserved it. They were there for 3 weeks. You think I would learn from this experience and take care of myself but I did not. I became depressed and relapsed. When I wasn't feeding the babies and taking care of them, I was eating and then getting rid of it. I now have this icky body and two kids that need me to be their everything. And I can't do that if I am fat. So the ugly cycle continues...