Day 1

Ok, so bare with me, because this is the first day I am writing as how my day went! I stayed up till 2:00 this morning because of the storm! One minute it was headed in our direction and the next minute it wasn't. I couldn't not go to sleep until I knew it had passed. We are on one side of the house and our kiddos were on the other side and there was no way I could go to sleep without knowing we were out of tornado danger. So because I stayed up so late I did not wake up until 9:30 this morning!

I get up quickly knowing that I need to get the kids started on school! I rushed into my day leaving me no time to pray or have my devotion. So now that I haven't had my time with the Lord I am grouchy and also know that I am hungry. I have been doing good lately keeping my calories at 1200 (or sometimes 1500). Days that I go over I feel so guilty! Well Friday was the start of my "overeating" as I would put it. I consumed about 1565 that day and just felt awful about it! Now when I feel awful it can go either way. I can either stop eating much and only consume maybe 500 calories or I say "forget it I am already overeating why not just make the best of the weekend and overeat".  Saturday and Sunday I went over that 1200 mark as well! Saturday was 1433 and Sunday was 1271.  I was so upset allowing myself to eat like that on Monday, Tuesday and today I didn't even calculate my calories because I know its way over. I didn't want those that are holding me accountable on my food intake to see my guilty pleasures and failures. (By the way I have the app MyFitnessPal and it is what I use for my calorie intake. You are more than welcome to add me as a friend. I do think accountability is what I need and I know after I write this, those that are my friends now on there will start making sure I do it no matter what.) I don't eat healthy during that time either. Its junk. I am miserable, bloated, and sick to my stomach all day.

I know most of you think "Aundrea you were still under 1800 calories you are doing good!" Well I still can't look at it that way. No matter how hard I try. Why can't I accept this? Why do I beat myself up and tell myself that "this is why you are fat, ugly and can't accomplish anything!" This is going to be one of the hardest parts to change. UGH!!!! So anyway. I make the kids eat cereal and I eat at least 3 or 4 serving sizes of Lucky Charms. I think "I'll burn this off with just my daily activities and won't eat anymore for the rest of the day." Wrong. We are almost done with school and my kids remind me that it is 12:00 which is "lunchtime." I fix them chicken nuggets because it has been awhile since they have had them and it was quick and easy so we could get back to work. I get them all done and situated and think "I just had a huge bowl of cereal earlier today, you haven't done much of anything, so those calories are ALL still there. You need to drink water and that be your lunch." I didn't grab a water but a Cherry 7up. This does have calories (which I forgot) but as I teach I am snacking on cheetos as though they were going out of style. Healthy right? Perfect meal for lunch, Cherry 7UP and a bag of salsa con queso cheetos! (although I must admit they were so yummy). I have the kids finish up with lunch and school and then sit down to "attempt" my paper for school.

It is NOT the format I am use to and it just frazzles me and puts me in a bad mood. I am still working on that 7UP and find the bag of candy I was munching on the night before, so I finish off those. I start to doubt my abilities to write this paper and come to the conclusion that I am just not gonna do it today. I then quit, shower and take us to church. I am starving by the time I get to church and exhausted. Hmmm?? I wonder why? I have had lucky charms, cheetos, 7 up and a few things of candy. Not something you eat to give you energy, strength or fill you up either! I am ashamed of how I ate today because I knew what I was doing was wrong. But in my mind I had every reasonable excuse or every perfect justification on why it was ok with what I ate. Sad really :( I am disgusted about it and humiliated with the fact that for 15 years I thought this eating behavior was ok! No wonder my body has so many issues and constant problems! How is it suppose to work right if I am feeding it junk or nothing worth nutrition!! .......

I will go to bed tonight thinking the same thing I did the night before....."There is always tomorrow, and I will get it right" ....what I forget is that everyday yes is a new day but its also a new day of challenges and obstacles that you are unprepared for. I need to realize that what I am doing to my body will suffer consequences and I don't want my struggles and consequences to affect my husband and children.....