Denial

So I wanted to see what exactly the definition for denial was. I googled it and got the definition from Wikipedia.

Denial is a defense mechanism, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.  The subject may use:

• simple denial: deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether
• minimisation: admit the fact but deny its seriousness (a combination of denial and rationalization)
• projection: admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility. 

I am so happy that it has been almost exactly 2 weeks since God has revealed to me more evidence than I could ever imagine on my illness! I remember the countless prayers I said asking him why I couldn't get to that point of happiness. I knew that there was a void somewhere. I asked him why it could be such an amazing day yet end with a sense of loneliness. The moment he shed light to me that I was struggling with Bulimia, I felt an instant warmness in my heart. Not that I wanted to have that answer or even have an illness like that. But the fact that he heard my cry! Definitely in shock and dismay I had the opposite effect that moment. I was hopeful and in awe that my prayer had been answered!

What I did not realize at the time is HE helped me already defeat one of my very first Cognitive Consequences!! DENIAL!!   I have beat down that consequence and it can NOT harm me anymore!!!

Thank you Jesus that you have never given up on me and that you took away my DENIAL!! Thank you Jesus I can't say it enough!!

1 John 1:8-9 ESV

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Titus 2:11-14 ESV

11 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people,
12 training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age,
13 waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.

The first step has been conquered Lord!!!! and only by your humbling grace!! I am ready to take down another one!!!

Consequences of Bulimia

I am heading back home today for a very quick one day visit. My family is throwing my middle son a birthday party. I have spent all day cleaning and packing. I still have to fit in my schoolwork, get ready for date night and load up the car to head out! I won't have the time to blog about my day today, but will catch you up soon! I found a really good website that shows exactly what my mind struggles with on a daily basis! It worded it perfectly!! Except for the very last one, I have never done that and I owe that to Jesus because I was saved the whole time of this disease. So thankful the Legal Consequence does not describe me! YAY! 1 down .........

A Summary of the Cognitive, Emotional and Social Consequences of Bulimia

Cognitive Consequences

• Focus on food and eating
• Loss of interest in other activities
• Distorted beliefs about food, eating, body shape and size

- Denial
- Minimisation
- Blaming            
- Diversion
- Intellectualisation
- Dichotomous thinking
- Personalization
- Overgeneralisation
- Magical thinking

• Passing on unrealistic/distorted attitudes and beliefs about food to children
• Poor concentration
• Memory problems
• Difficulty in comprehending
• Difficulty making decisions

Emotional Consequences

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Shame
• Guilt
• Embarrassment
• Hopelessness
• Fear of being discovered
• Disgust
• Low Self-esteem
• Feeling out of control

Social Consequences

• Isolation 
• Secrecy
• Interpersonal mistrust
• Decreased sexual interest

Financial Consequences

• Spending large amounts of money or buying binge foods and laxatives

Legal Consequences

• Getting caught shoplifting food, laxatives or other things

References
Bulik, C., Sullivan, P., Carter, F., Joyce, P., & McIntosh, V. (1993). Cognitive Therapy Therapist Manual for the treatment of Bulimia Nervosa. University of Canterbury, New Zealand.

http://www.eatingdisorders.org.nz/index.php?id=756 (that is the website I found if you want to look at other diseases or information that may help you or others you love). 



Those of you who know me can probably check off many of these and give full examples on how I have shown these characteristics! I am outing myself completely because how am I gonna get better if I don't start attacking each and everyone of these consequences head on with scripture and God! Not to mention prayer warriors, friends and family! I am thankful for the prayer and support!

Be in prayer for me this weekend it will be difficult. My family loves me and will support me but I am scared to face them after I revealed my inner most secret. They have done nothing wrong. I love them dearly, its just my own shame and guilt. And the secret I kept from them for so long!

Breathe...

This morning was an eventful morning. I have been struggling lately with taking deep breaths and being able to breathe well. I had an allergy test Monday with all those prickly pokes all over your back and arm. Yeah, so anyway (don't want to talk about it, painful and just not a good thing to think about).. had that done and found out that I am allergic to all trees, pollens, flowers, grasses, molds...pretty much all of God's planted creation. I will start next week getting allergy shots twice a week. Let me just say I am a HUGE weenie when it comes to needles! I wanted to literally punch that sweet nurse that kept poking me all over with those dang needles! And now your telling me that I will have to be pricked twice a week! "Lord, I am just curious if you knew that I was going to be allergic to your beautiful planted creation, why did you not give me skin of leather, or the ability to handle pain so well? What I am suppose to learn and take from this?" I dwelt on this all day long! I was so depressed! So in my mind I believe that this is why I am having issues with my breathing. I tell the Pulmonologist that I feel the breathing is allergy induced. He agreed it could be a possibility but insisted that I go through other tests to make sure I am not asthmatic or have clots in my lungs. So I get out of bed this morning around 7:30 and do my prayer time. I then get ready for the appointment and leave the house around 8:45 to get to my appointment. No I didn't not think once about breakfast or what I should eat, I popped in 2 pieces of doublemint gum and knew that would last me till lunch.

So I am on the road and already terrified at this point because the nurse told me on the phone that they were going to try and cause me to have an asthma attack. Why in the world would you want to push my lungs that far? I prayed the whole way there! I thought about the negatives of the test and why I should just turn around and go home. Then I thought about the positives of this test and how it will eliminate the other things they "thought" could be an issue. I know that there are still two other tests I am scheduled for and why bother, ugh I am so sick of these tests!!! My nerves are shot by the time I get to my appointment which was at 9:30. During this test I am breathing as hard as I can and also inhaling this weird chemical stuff! I suck it in and blow it out and it makes this weird smoke look! It was actually pretty neat, and I thought about the smoke to keep my mind off the test. (You would probably laugh at me if you knew what was floating around in my brain at that time Ha!) Don't know what will become of the test but I was thankful it was over. That stuff they gave me made me so shaky for almost the whole afternoon. That I did not like! I couldn't hold anything without it just shaking! My kids laughed because I couldn't write down examples for them to go by while we were doing fractions! The stuff is Evil I tell ya! LOL

I get home this afternoon thinking about what I need to eat for lunch because by this time it is almost noon and I am not feeling that well. I ended up eating some cottage cheese, tomatoes and with black pepper. I could live off of that stuff! I know most people think it is sooo gross, but I absolutely LOVE it! I think my kids love it because it is what I would eat the whole time I was pregnant! LOL. You take my kids to a salad bar and they are gonna get : Cottage Cheese, Sunflower seeds, Tomatoes and a Boiled Egg! haha! That's a great meal for me :) Fulfilling and low in calories! Anyway. That is what I ended up having for lunch. I got to work on my schoolwork again and flustered by the APA formatting! I am so use to writing in Turabian that its just not flowing with me! So my wonderful Bestie calls me and helps me the best she can. She doesn't realize how much that meant to me! Anytime we talk reality disappears and its just like a relaxing, unstressed peaceful breeze of happiness! So thank you Bestie for that! I snacked a little before we headed out. I ate a few pieces of candy and some white cheddar popcorn.

A sweet friend of mine from church asked me to dinner and so we skipped Zumba (although in my mind I am thinking about all those wonderful calories I needed to burn off, but I could sure use a night out too, soo suck it up!) and headed out to eat and shop! We ended up ordering this yummy Frito Pie and had a sundae for dessert!

I feel that even though my morning and afternoon started out stressful and I had a bit of an anxiety attack; it ended up being one of my better days. So I am very thankful for today and know for a fact the reason it ended so well, is because I started my day out with my alone time with my Savior Jesus Christ! He knew exactly when I was at my low point today and knew exactly what I would need to keep a float! I pray that when you have your prayer time with him, that you ask him to be the void you search for. To fill your cup with all his goodness, comfort, strength, mercy, love and wisdom. That even though the day has just begun you respond to each thing that comes your way with an attribute of him. And when you ask, you will receive it! It felt like nothing could defeat me today!! I can't help but be excited about what tomorrow may bring! Tonight I don't go to bed with the dread of another day!

Day 1

Ok, so bare with me, because this is the first day I am writing as how my day went! I stayed up till 2:00 this morning because of the storm! One minute it was headed in our direction and the next minute it wasn't. I couldn't not go to sleep until I knew it had passed. We are on one side of the house and our kiddos were on the other side and there was no way I could go to sleep without knowing we were out of tornado danger. So because I stayed up so late I did not wake up until 9:30 this morning!

I get up quickly knowing that I need to get the kids started on school! I rushed into my day leaving me no time to pray or have my devotion. So now that I haven't had my time with the Lord I am grouchy and also know that I am hungry. I have been doing good lately keeping my calories at 1200 (or sometimes 1500). Days that I go over I feel so guilty! Well Friday was the start of my "overeating" as I would put it. I consumed about 1565 that day and just felt awful about it! Now when I feel awful it can go either way. I can either stop eating much and only consume maybe 500 calories or I say "forget it I am already overeating why not just make the best of the weekend and overeat".  Saturday and Sunday I went over that 1200 mark as well! Saturday was 1433 and Sunday was 1271.  I was so upset allowing myself to eat like that on Monday, Tuesday and today I didn't even calculate my calories because I know its way over. I didn't want those that are holding me accountable on my food intake to see my guilty pleasures and failures. (By the way I have the app MyFitnessPal and it is what I use for my calorie intake. You are more than welcome to add me as a friend. I do think accountability is what I need and I know after I write this, those that are my friends now on there will start making sure I do it no matter what.) I don't eat healthy during that time either. Its junk. I am miserable, bloated, and sick to my stomach all day.

I know most of you think "Aundrea you were still under 1800 calories you are doing good!" Well I still can't look at it that way. No matter how hard I try. Why can't I accept this? Why do I beat myself up and tell myself that "this is why you are fat, ugly and can't accomplish anything!" This is going to be one of the hardest parts to change. UGH!!!! So anyway. I make the kids eat cereal and I eat at least 3 or 4 serving sizes of Lucky Charms. I think "I'll burn this off with just my daily activities and won't eat anymore for the rest of the day." Wrong. We are almost done with school and my kids remind me that it is 12:00 which is "lunchtime." I fix them chicken nuggets because it has been awhile since they have had them and it was quick and easy so we could get back to work. I get them all done and situated and think "I just had a huge bowl of cereal earlier today, you haven't done much of anything, so those calories are ALL still there. You need to drink water and that be your lunch." I didn't grab a water but a Cherry 7up. This does have calories (which I forgot) but as I teach I am snacking on cheetos as though they were going out of style. Healthy right? Perfect meal for lunch, Cherry 7UP and a bag of salsa con queso cheetos! (although I must admit they were so yummy). I have the kids finish up with lunch and school and then sit down to "attempt" my paper for school.

It is NOT the format I am use to and it just frazzles me and puts me in a bad mood. I am still working on that 7UP and find the bag of candy I was munching on the night before, so I finish off those. I start to doubt my abilities to write this paper and come to the conclusion that I am just not gonna do it today. I then quit, shower and take us to church. I am starving by the time I get to church and exhausted. Hmmm?? I wonder why? I have had lucky charms, cheetos, 7 up and a few things of candy. Not something you eat to give you energy, strength or fill you up either! I am ashamed of how I ate today because I knew what I was doing was wrong. But in my mind I had every reasonable excuse or every perfect justification on why it was ok with what I ate. Sad really :( I am disgusted about it and humiliated with the fact that for 15 years I thought this eating behavior was ok! No wonder my body has so many issues and constant problems! How is it suppose to work right if I am feeding it junk or nothing worth nutrition!! .......

I will go to bed tonight thinking the same thing I did the night before....."There is always tomorrow, and I will get it right" ....what I forget is that everyday yes is a new day but its also a new day of challenges and obstacles that you are unprepared for. I need to realize that what I am doing to my body will suffer consequences and I don't want my struggles and consequences to affect my husband and children.....

Encouragement

God tells us to look to his word when we need him! God tells us to pray to him when we need him! Tonight this is what I found and wanted to share it.

 

Strength Quotes For Encouragement

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Christian Encouragement Quotes

God will not be absent when His people are on trial; he will stand in court as their advocate, to plead on their behalf.  –Charles Haddon Spurgeon

You are valuable because you exist. Not because of what you do or what you have done, but simply because you are. –Max Lucado

Be assured, if you walk with Him and look to Him, and expect help from Him, He will never fail you. –George Mueller

The stars may fall, but God’s promises will stand and be fulfilled. –J. I. Packer

Lord heal me from these symptoms!

So there are a few more symptoms that I struggle with on a constant basis. Another symptom is dry skin. It is mainly noticeable on my knees and elbows. It drives me nuts! It "seems" like these symptoms all start appearing at the same time. I then get the anxiety and wonder what is going on with my body! I get angry because I am irritated with how my skin is looking. I shouldn't be surprised why I have these symptoms but I am in denial many days of what is going on. The next one is an irregular heartbeat. Sometimes my sitting heart rate can be so fast! I have had my husband check it many times because I thought it was going to jump out of my chest!!! I remember one day I had done absolutely nothing, just had a great lazy day but just didn't feel right. My body caught up with me and all the void I gave it and my sitting heart rate was 102. Really? Now I have also had the complete opposite! I felt no energy, no umph, nothing. I don't feel right then either. Those days my husband complains because my heartbeat is so soft he can't read it at any pulsing places. This is part of the disease I hate the most. It makes me feel so bad. My anxiety gets the better of me on those days too. When my chest hurts you automatically think "HEART ATTACK"!! Then that just makes it worse. Anxiety is NOT your friend! I know all of us have experienced anxiety and most know how to handle it. This is what I need to learn better and beat the sinful mess of allowing it to get the better of me.

Ok so this next one happens at least 5 out of 7 days. I hate that I have to adapt to it! I can't stand that I don't know or grasp what it is that I need to do to beat it either! I know so many people have tried but its just like with anything. You can yell it, mention it a billion times, show examples, ect. and it won't do any good unless I am willing to listen and change. I am not trying to be ugly about the help, I just mentally can not grasp it. My mind is a constant battle! I fight more with my mind than I do with anything else! The symptom is tingling and numbing of my face, hands, fingers and even my feet. If you sit beside me in church or anywhere else you will notice that I can not keep my legs in one position very long. I lose sensation from them. If my legs are crossed I will switch them about every 10-15 minutes. I play with things in my hands when I am just sitting down listening because if I am not moving them often they go completely numb. I actually take breaks as I write my blog because I lose feeling in some of my fingers. The tingling can get so bad on my face that sometimes I can slap my face and not feel anything but pins and needles. I absolutely HATE this feeling!! But what do I do to change it?? Am I willing to take the jump to make it happen? Why am I so stinkin' stubborn!! AHHHHH ...... Lord, I need your help!! :( this is not a normal way to live!

Another symptom is muscle cramps! I get these ALOT in my legs (calves) especially when I am asleep! I have had people tell me to eat more bananas that I am lacking in potassium! Or drink some gatorade! When I listen and do it! Yes I do feel a lot better and the cramps don't happen as often! But I won't drink a lot of gatorade because of all the sugar it contains and I get tired of bananas and take breaks from them. A symptom I get that goes along with this is very low potassium! When I have this my husband knows it. My dehydration kicks in, my very low pulse happens, and I have absolutely no energy. My chest hurts. Its a mess! I am 31 years old and I am feeling like someone at least 40 years older! Ridiculous simply ridiculous!

I get headaches and blurry vision all the time. I was told that I needed glasses but it was only at night when I am driving. So what's going on the rest of the time if I don't need them on a regular basis? I have had some fainting or blacking out spells. There have been a couple incidents my husband was terrified because I was OUT! There was also a time my mom was curling my hair for school because it was the first day at a new school and I was just nervous and needed perfection! So of course I am gonna have my momma do her magic! I needed to make a different impression on these people than I did at the other school. I let the no eating, anxiety, dehydration ect.. get the best of me and I passed out while she was doing my hair. She said I fell to the floor and barely missed hitting my head on the bathtub. Sadly I just told my mom a lie that I was just nervous and it was my "time of the month" and that made me feel weird. Great......that's where the lying began! Unproud moment and not fun thinking about either. 

Start of Symptoms

For those of you following me or come upon my blogs I just want to stress that I am starting from the moment I became bulimic and some moments throughout my life that either helped me or enabled me to be sick. I feel God has led me to blog in this way. I have no idea what he has in store for me but I am so anxious to find out! If my openness helps others than so be his will. I pray before I blog and asked God to guide me with my thoughts and words. If I jump around and sometimes don't fall in sync with what I was doing before just bare with me :) The Lord has his reasons! 

My children are now home and in my complete care. I am sure most of us as new mothers have a small set of "PANIC' that enters our mind. The hospital spoils us rotten! They check on us continually, answer all the questions, step in and do the hard work for us, allow us to rest, and the list goes on. When you go home its just you and baby! Or in my case babies! I don't know about you but I was anxious to hold my children and take care of the them (even though I had no clue exactly how to do that). It seemed like the nurses always had some dumb excuse to take my baby! I remember being frustrated over this. I was thinking "Hey I did all the hard work lady, you didn't carry those children, I did! Give them to me and back off!" O dear Aundrea how immature and silly you were! By the time I had my 5th, I was like "Yes, you may take him and bathe him and do what you need to do, I will sneak in a short cat nap while he is away :)" Does that make me a bad mother? I thought it might, but then again I thought "Nope because its the last night of sleep your gonna get ...... till he is 18!" HA!

Anyway, Because of my current state, I was not healthy enough to supply my children enough breast milk that they went to formula at 5 months. Surprisingly I did not find this a failure at all, more as "you made it the 6 weeks they ask for" type thing! One thing I know that most of you are unaware of is the way we physically feel during this time. Its a feeling to which we learn to adapt too! For me it started after I gave birth to my twins and they required so much of my attention and time. I ate enough I felt to get me through the day with little to do before I had children. Now that my kids are here.... I am up earlier, less sleep, less food, less energy... everything is just less.

So I began having bowl issues. (Gross I know, but its serious) Apparently what is normal is to go at least once a day and have a good movement. I however go every 3 to 4 days. When I was told that I was suppose to be going everyday I thought that was very odd!! I mean seriously who does that? Um...everybody does :-/ Awkward!!! .... So that is symptom number one that you just adapt too. Now all of us ladies know that when its our "special week" we feel bigger than a pigmy hippo!! Dang bloating!! Really? Why does that even exist? We have issues with the way we look already, now you go and add times where we can't fit into our pants without laying down on the bed! Ugh! Well for someone who has this disease it doesn't just happen then but it can happen many times through the month. Which only makes us that much more angry with the way we feel and look! Bloating and I are NOT best friends even though we spend so much time together! The next symptom is dehydration. Now you ask my husband about this one and he can tell you that there has been too many too count of visits to the hospital because I was so dehydrated. I struggle with this one a lot. Because I was in the hospital for it so much, the doctor told him how to test me and spot it happening before I got to the point of needing fluids. That's just sad! I have been soooo much that now the doctor is showing my husband ways to keep me from coming in..... "that's ridiculous Aundrea"! Why don't you drink enough to keep yourself healthy? Why?? Sadly I can't even answer that question right now, because I honestly don't know it.

This is just the first three symptoms that I deal with on a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly basis! I have learned to just roll with it and come to an understanding that this is the way your body is normally suppose to feel. Because it is so late and I have written so much already I will continue with the other symptoms tomorrow. Sadly the symptoms don't get any better but some are even worse :(